Fake Peace

I am grateful (though broken hearted) that I was able to tell my older son (S1) and his father, in no

uncertain terms, that I would not participate a shared birthday celebration together with dad, as things currently are–that things may still change and how sorry I am for the pain which this causes.  His father and I are at a place where I have asked him to do pick ups from outside our home until he chooses to communicate responsibly and fairly with me regarding logistics for shared responsibilities.(You may not enter my home and place of rest if you cannot be counted on for the most basic consideration and integrity.)Needless complexity is unwelcome.  It is not a lot to ask.  “If you are going to be late, early, or deviate from the plan in a way that affects us, please let me know.”  But, nope.  This is literally identical to the fall out with my sister.  Her response to this was to circumvent me to gain access to my children and bond with my ex who is similarly vexed.  Consideration is reserved strictly for those who are useful to them.

I refuse proximity and will not fake peace with any person who knowingly harms me and or our little family.  I reminded S1 that I remain willing to work toward healing peace and unity but never again to fake it, given the choice.  I  do fake it for non-optional scheduled events and activities in which I must be present.  Special occasions are not the time to fake or volunteer to suffer.

His father chooses to do what he does with my sister which diminishes our unity as divorced people who co-parent.  I apologized sincerely, but only for my inability to better cope with IT and for the lame imposition of my “family”.  S1 views them as wreckers of our family and is deeply affected by the toll of this, in addition to being asked to make nice with them and to show joy and affection.  It is very rapey.  “Smile while I righteously wreck your shit and offer you public hugs with weird compliments & gifts…ummmm kaaaaay, little children and big ones too.”  Sickening.

S1 cries that he wants US together and does not want to be with “them” instead of US for his birthday or holidays.  I want to tell them each “Eff you for breaking our children’s hearts, you sick fucks”.   Wearing white and smiling while doing so makes it no less damaging. S1 identifies my sister as THE sole cause for sustained tension between his mother and father.  It is 100% his dad’s choice and pleasure, but it is less painful for S1 to assign all blame to a woman he does not know outside of this madness.  As a mother or sister, she should be capable of  better.  As if recovering from divorce is not difficult enough, for each of us!!  Who intentionally behaves in ways that divide children’s parents(besides Trump)?  I know the answer, and yet I continue asking–Unwell people with insecurity about their own sense of power.

Faking peace equals sustaining conflict.  I refuse.  The truth and reality of WHAT IS, hurts my children, not my reaction to the truth(on which I work daily-learning to say “ouch” better, in ways which are admissible)–although my family and ex would insist that it is ONLY me causing damage, by my selfish unwillingness to surrender.   I do surrender though, to a power greater than myself…and that is not them.  They are bigger, but not in a God-way.  No reverence! I am super proud to model for my children, an awareness and clear boundary for people who choose to hurt me, offering myself the safe and required distance.  Peace making is for wholesome badass healers.  Peace Faking is for everyone else.  I am angry today.  I wish this post was oozing with(or even resembling) love and recovery.  The recovery is– that I do not waste a single breath telling my ex or my sister about themselves.  I am a work in progress, with pain and anger and all of the feelings.  Clutch your pearls—it’s true AND causes me no shame.  We cannot heal what we refuse to feel.