Gratitude Continued

I look forward to the day when my life is not entirely focused on survival and spiritual recovery.  Until then, I will just be grateful for parts of my life I owe to recovery.  Here are some of the items I have shared with my Project Miracle Buddy over the last few months.  Being a loving and often present mother, a kind and generous partner, a reliable employee, a non-homicidal co-parent and sibling are miracles of my program.

• I am grateful for the non-abuse from my Boys’ father right now.  I wished I could just roll with it and be friendly when he is and then calmly check the fuck out when he ramps it up.  My vulnerability didn’t come with that sort of dimmer switch.
• I am grateful for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tonight.  So grateful for that first class at Gracie Academy.
• I am grateful I will be with my boys for Mothers day.
• I am grateful that Cooper only had 2 seizures last night. They are smaller and less dramatic but closer together. He is such a sweet boy and a good doggy. I am grateful that he is still with me and that I have not chosen the easy way out of this, though I do crave ease.  I have become quite good at holding and soothing him until they pass.
• I am grateful for a weekend and upcoming week of solitude.  Boy do I need it.  I love my divorce, so much more promising and awesome than our marriage ever was.
• I am grateful Will is going to orientation today at the Y to learn how to safely use the fitness equipment.  I love his interest in it.
• I am grateful to have been courageously honest in my match.com profile indicating my need to isolate, and desire to find someone whom would enjoy isolating together.  I revealed that I am intense and highly affected by sensory stimulus and intentionally avoid over-exposure.  I also was generous with examples of my sensitivity to emotional energy.  In sharing openly and authentically, I connected with someone who sees all of me, fiercely loves me and guards my serenity.  Because these are the SHARED terms to which we openly commit, we have been expanding together in all ways for nearly a year and a half.  I can never go back to the other way of being.  No forcing, no pretending.  Just kindness, acceptance, laughter as we acknowledge and forgive ourselves and each other when we are human in the icky ways.
• I am grateful, not lucky. Just fucken grateful.  Gratitude is wholesome and badass.  Gratitude is paying it forward, every chance we get.  Not for paying back.  That is something entirely different.  Paying back is for deals that are made openly in which the terms are clear and agreed to by all parties.  Transparency is also badass and wholesome and not for everyone.  What are you grateful for?  How do you pay it forward?

  

Thank you GiGi for your comment about your dad being one of those people whom God gave to you.  I am grateful for you!