Fuck Shame

In recovery, my greatest endeavor and achievement to date, I get to have a God Of My Understanding (GOMU). Before connecting with my very own GOMU, shame, pride, and guilt were my guides– and I knew only dynamics, in which those were generously promised in spades.  

In moments of pridefulness, I could justify doing and saying deeply hurtful things.  In daily life, shame led me to and kept me in toxic relationships. I came to believe that people are assholes because I am a bitch–A loser, unworthy of love, kindness, protection and connection- and entirely responsible for unkind words and behaviors of others.  It was odd to believe that I could cause all of the bad things said and done by others, as well as my own bad behavior.  It made no sense.  It is literally insane to think this way—maddening.

My resentment over this hypocrisy coupled with my inability to understand, change, or exit, grew to unmanageable proportions.  

I lived in fear of my feelings, because they were intense and consistently invalidated and punished.  I sought people who would do that (judge, dismiss, punish). That that was the “love” I learned.

Recovery is freeing me from sick thinking that directed me to yield to shame, guilt, fear, and pride. They make terrible guides and companions.  Having a GOMU has allowed me to become right sized, playing  neither big nor small.  I get to practice living life on life’s terms  WITH HEALTHY BOUNDARIES for myself.  

My boundaries are my spiritual skin.  They remind me that my job is to honor my needs, limits, and responsibilities. That is my job.  So simple, but unfamiliar and challenging, especially with regards to parenting.  I do pretty damn good with those to whom I did not give birth.  I am consistently able to let go of a need to manage and control. Or to attack or defend when threatened.

But my boundaries become tangled up with my sons and I frequently react with emotion which is as historical as it is hysterical and damaging.  With adults, I instinctively exit sticky entanglements and let TF go, because I am not in charge.  But with my sons….it gets complicated. I accept that my job is to lead, guide, teach, not boss—but but but but…

I am a work in progress, reparenting my children right along side myself.  Today is my mother’s birthday.  I have a lot of feelings about how she did and did not parent me.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Bob Goff Love Does

Love Does

If I really think about it. …💕 I could not have done anything great enough to earn the gift of Sweet Greg’s love. AND there is not a thing I could do to lose it. There are definitely things I could do to make him want space from me, but never to make him want to see me suffer or to leverage my weaknesses and vulnerabilities against me. 


One definition of enemy is- someone who wants to see you fail or struggle. People who “love” do not choose to cause struggle or suffering for another. Wholesome Love would prevent them from doing so. 


I am re-learning love- I 😞have definitely done my share of behaving as an enemy. I married and divorced an enemy- maybe because people who claimed to love me also consistently behaved as enemies—justifying with phrases like “serves you right”. So I did the same to others, until I knew better. 
I forgive myself for what I did not know as a young adult. What I learned about love, connection, worthiness, lovability—all of it was sick and distorted. I am learning a better way. I am a work in progress.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

When people attempt to set boundaries with you, it's their attempt to continue the relationship, not an attempt to hurt you.

Deselection

Sweet Greg is here, recovering from brutal wisdom tooth extraction while I battle my obsessive thinking alongside current heinous withdrawal from Xyzal. What a nightmare. Who knew? Greg should be fine within the week, thanks to my excellent care. Ha! But seriously—poor me. I have read reported symptoms for withdrawal from this OTC allergy medicine can persist for months while recovery from my life before recovery– seems never-ending. Today, I am grateful to be enjoying quiet, healing time with Greg- and while trolling IG, to have found this nugget from @janetheclapp

When someone behaves in a way that makes us feel unsafe, behaves violently, betrays sacred trust, chronically disrespects us, is all talk and no follow through, or harms us, in any way– THEY have actually DESELECTED themselves. They have actively chosen behaviour that has lead to the current state of affairs. In choosing to have less contact or even no contact, we are simply responding to behaviour instead of being the person to truly instigate the end result. 

The best, it seems, I can expect, with regards to certain others, is my own adherence to very clear and consistent healthy boundaries around my time, energy, and availability. This is not mean or unforgiving–not equivalent but sometimes equated to holding a grudge. Certain people will perceive a clear and direct boundary as punitive. Fortunately, other peoples’s perceptions are not my responsibility.

After reading the Sunday Self Care post by JaneTheClapp, I now can identify what transpired between my sister and my ex-husband, as an absolute and shared lack of loyalty to the sacred—our children. Whatever they tell themselves and others to justify the damage, is something I may never know– and in fact fails to matter…but I do still wonder. I also wonder what gives them more peace, telling themselves they banished me or telling themselves I opted out of family. Again, it does not matter, but I wonder.

I can envision only one conversation with them, one in which their focus would be only the insistence of their own honorable intent plus all the ways I was asking for it. I must get on with this day and envision more wholesome things. The past week left me doubting some things I know to be true. I needed to sift out my truths, here, in order that I may enter into a new week and not a continuation of all of the weeks that came before.

Luhyuh!

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Repair or Repeat

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I did not experience a childhood rooted in kindness and helpfulness. And for those who might argue that I did, I suspect they think that to be kind and helpful, you must please or at least seek to please those who claim to be in charge. Recovery allows me to provide a different environment and example for my children and yet I notice how quick they are to retaliate against displeasure or irritation. Is this a naturally immature behavior that some people never outgrow or is it a learned behavior that must be tamed. Either way, I find it concerning, especially for my hsp child who is easily overwhelmed and disturbed by sensory stimulus which diminishes his tolerance for emotional stress and makes him more likely to snap when he cannot escape. We continue to discuss safe ways and times to remove ourselves and accept that sometimes it is not possible and in those times —we must work hard to practice acceptance for the things we can neither escape nor change. So hard! Recovery has taught me to recognize and honor truths and parts of myself that were inconvenient and difficult to understand for the naturally insensitive. I now love being alone and having space. But because banishment and silent treatment were commonly used in response to displeasure, I was afraid to be alone because it meant that not only did everyone hate me but everyone could visibly observe how hated I was, rightfully so, of course. If only I had been more pleasing. #hsp #punishment #reactions #retalliation #bully #repairorrepeat

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Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Feeling Empowered

Today, I cannot help but marvel at how I was raised to believe that the words, opinions, moods, and behaviors of others should make me doubt and dislike myself.

I recall being told repeatedly “Nobody will ever love you more than you love yourself”. Well shit, nobody could’ve loved me less. That is for sure. Better late than never, recovery is helping me unlearn self-loathing. It is not possible to hate yourself and behave genuinely with kindness and goodness. It is was not possible to learn to love or respect myself in the “care” of those who demanded I disappear or be different, OR else. Thank goodness change is possible for those of us willing–who either change because we see the light or feel the fire. For me the fire brought the pain and the light. I hope you find yours.

So grateful for the unlearning and reparenting made possible though my program of recovery. That is no way to live. Happy Independence Day! Blessed.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

You Deserve Better

It really makes no difference why a person is consistently kind and honest or why they are not. It may be time to stop needing to know why. We all deserve kindness and honesty. Some people are more capable but no person is more OR less worthy than another.

I have felt silenced by my personal declaration to no longer write/post/share about my experience with grief over actions which knowingly harm my little family. I realize –it is not that I must stop examining and healing and posting–but that I would benefit from looking from a different angle. I let go (the letting go is constant- a million times a day) of a need to prove or understand. My only task is to heal and learn my lessons so I can move on. This miiiiight be achieved, not by looking away but by looking at it differently and communicating with a different intention. My focus has shifted from: why do they behave that way– to: why did I participate and react as I did? What did those experiences teach me about myself that was not true? How had it destroyed distorted my perception of love, family, connection, and trust, and especially self worth. I am now choosing to understand my part-then and now–the things I can change and the things I can learn from.

Yesterday, I casually mentioned having knowingly married a man who hated me. When asked why, laughing I said–“Probably when you are raised by a mother and older sister who treat and talk about you, as if you are bad, unworthy, and unwelcome as you are– it makes sense to marry someone who loves you similarly– which to me, now looks and feels a lot like hate–or at best–very sick love.” When we know better we do better.AND –Hurt people hurt people. I am so grateful to be unlearning and detaching from that brand of love. I am discovering and practicing wholesome love and I never stop trying. Wholesome Badass—my daily intent and goal– a process–neither an event nor status.

Ruthie Lindsay recently shared something which is helping me to clarify and refine my perspective and process. “I believe that all truth is loving, inclusive, and expansive.” Much better than my old truth/myth: the people in charge decide on and control the truth. Ruthie also says:” I’m constantly in a state of unlearning and coming back to the truth, that we are so good, worthy, valuable, needed, loved, whole, and beautiful.” It is a challenge when you were raised amidst people who would disagree with this truth for all people–wanting good things for themselves and their people, but not for all people—as if their is a scarcity of love and goodness. I suppose for some, that their own lacking would make it seem so.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/