I Love Jesus

Shane Claiborne’s amazing passage on “a third way”  feels as inspiring as it does devastating. I am facing but not yet fully accepting the reality- that deep healing and connection are not values shared by my family of origin (FOO).   Awareness without acceptance is hell 100% .  Dominance, rightness, appearance (of… I am not sure what) are values fought strongly to be revered and maintained by my FOO.  So it is only a little shocking that a war/ angry crusade, against me, ensued in response to my request to heal and connect:  my refusal to pretend and to yield to my sister(no shocker that I married someone so similar) who must be right and in charge–at all costs.  The greatest damage from this: falls to my children and then to our 85 year old, cancer fighting mother, for whom my female sibling claims she is “doing this”.  Her demand for (her)peace is actually a well-backed threat– that I pretend-or else.

And, because I now have a God, which is not her, I cannot abide.  My sister’s unwholesome contact with the man whom I divorced and was abused by is a testament to her “efforts for love and peace”, connection, unity for our family– not  wholesome or gracious in spirit.  Initially, I felt mortally wounded.  But, now, I am embarrassed for her, more than hurt.  How do you get right (or even cover up the fact of that level of betrayal) with yourself after a stunt of this nature, fawning clumsily over my ex from the moment she laid eyes on him?  Yikes.   What she has done and is doing was as predictable as it is divisive and still if ever an initiative to repair the relationship presented, I would be there.  The current dynamic heightens tension between my ex and me, as co-parents, which is harmful to our sons and perpetuates the divide between our mother and me.  The only people experiencing peace are my sister and my ex.  It is this mentality to which I respond with divorce.  Total Detachment(at a behavioral level).

Anyone (my sister and mother) willing to enlisting my children to engage in the betrayal of their mother, is a threat to their well-being.  Sadly, my boys’ father is more than happy to indulge anything at my expense…but the thing is, it is at our sons’ expense.  My sister and my ex have bonded in their well-masked/poised/denied rage-  outraged only by their lost ability to co-erce me into submission OR provoking me to flip out.   My flip out alllllwayyys  shifts the focus from their misdeeds to an over-the-top hysterical reaction by me.  BUT–I have now learned to master that one using the tools of recovery.  Hi-yah!

Fortunately, I guess, my children are gifted with organic opportunities to talk with me about and to name acts of betrayal, healing, and our shared commitment to serve as loving witnesses.  So it is not for naught, I suppose.   They receive messages daily from me as well as school, that they must not be silent bystanders to the bullying or exclusion of another—and yet they are called to do so with my FOO, by my sister and their father.  They are reminded by me that it makes perfect sense that they feel uncomfortable- being required to pretend that it is normal and ok to not mention or reference me.

I am powerless over their genes, but what I do and say will matter greatly.  I refuse to knowingly groom these sweet boys for addiction and abuse, by asking them to hide and deny their own unique emotional experiences.

The passage above is by Shane Claiborne; Book of Common Prayer- A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals.  I cannot help but marvel at how much I am learning about Jesus that I find comforting…inspiring and beautiful.  Also, as a follower and student of Anne Lamott’s every word, I get to say (and mean) Hallelujah Anyway.  I do pray, many times a day, sometimes just Help, Thanks, Wow.  This practice came to me late in life along with a power greater than them myself.

Those  who seek daily to know Jesus and understand his goodness are of great comfort.  Those who enforce their will as HIS  are not fair representations of him, more similar to the Romans who crucified him.  I think my sister and my ex are the Romans, only with more discreet crucifying antics.  Thank Gawd for all those who seek and strive for something, a religion, spirituality, faith in a high-power that inspires honoring the dignity all people deserve, choosing acts of wholesome love, wisdom, and the elevation of ALL others.

Growing up in a home where it was asserted that Christians are hateful morons, I was convinced that anyone wearing a cross or uttering Jesus, was stupid and wanted to hurt me.  Until quite recently, I was certain that all (highly visible and punishable) hate crimes were surely committed by Christians, extra white ones.  I understand now how threatening it would have been to the broken system of theirs, if I would have connected with a loving and healing God- and with those who shared the Faith.  How different my life might have been, if they had not been my gods. I may never identify myself as a Christian, but I definitively am a lover of Jesus♥ the embodiment of kindness to all…because all are worthy.

Amen!  You can click on Amen to read details of my sister’s answered prayers.