I know what I Bring to the Table

I know what I bring to the table.  So, trust me when I say: I am not afraid to eat alone.  Sitting at a well set table positioned precariously atop decades of eggshells (unresolved issues) is something I do not choose.  Submitting myself to that energy renders me physically and mentally unwell. Gathering for meals or “special occasions” should not feel awful.  Right?  If for no other reason, I refrain for my boys,  keeping close to those whom invite me, as I am, to join and to expand and to be fully present.  In my loveless marriage, we shared meals and responsibilities, only slightly more lonely than surrendering to
my seat at the “family” table with my FOO (family of origin).  Both call for intense contraction by all, but especially me, as I am distinguished by my inability to be and do as they do, forfeitting full membership privileges. Tryyyyying to do so wreaks havoc on my digestion and sleep and blocks me from serenity.  Refusing to take “my” seat, as only a fraction of myself is not me, withholding or punishing.  Nobody wants what I truly bring to the table as a whole person.   I have been told, one too many times, exactly how unsuitable I am. Unfortunately (for them), I bring my whole self  to any occasion designated as one of  celebration or connection.  I find it impossible to connect– while twisting and shaving off parts of myself for the appearance of
“fitting in”…the optic.  Oh, the  devastating irony of this distorted thinking — tryyyyying  to do the impossible.  The fall out of this will take all of my remaining days from which to recover.  My commitment to be the most whole and healthy parent prohibits me from that way of showing up in the world.  I am grateful for all of it.

Find your tribe.  Fitting in and genuinely being a part of, does not mean being identical or conforming, like parts of anything, a table or a puzzle, the parts are not the same and they belong and fit naturally together.  Flowing not forcing is for badasses and totally wholesome.  Your vibe is your tribe.  If we are pretending at all, that is the opposite of belonging.  Proximity is not connection.  Right?