The Legacy of Rage

I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate.  In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one.  Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion.  I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways.  In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings.  Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace.  So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them.  I am not ashamed of experiencing anger.  Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem.  What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can.   My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a

reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root.  Deep sigh.

I grew up in home vibrating with two types of anger, the overtly raging kind and the silent shunning kind.  Raging was said to be caused by me.  And silent shunning was said to be imagined by me.  So you can see there was no hope or

relief to be had in that environment and so I failed to learn about how to experience and process feelings.  Denial was never even an option for someone wired as I am.  I did become quite expert at feeling shame and guilt and the FOO would agree, those were well earned and correct feelings for me to have, so long as my expression of them did not burden another with responsibility to support me or listen with compassion.

In yesterday’s post, I went after two of my sister’s sensitivities, her mustache and her questionable sexuality, as shared consistently by her.  I lost sleep last night at the anger that drives me to want to shame her as intentionally as she went after my ex to create a connection with him that 100% blocks the healing and connection, for which we moved cross country.  Forget things over the years that have been said and done to diminish me, for the sake of this post.  In my time here on this coast, she has declared in writing, publicly HOW I deserve what she has done to our families.  I have much anger for that and the family claim that I am the only one who has anger.  I am the only one to openly express and address anger and pain, rather than offloading it in sneaky ways.  Ok, so then what.

This historical and intergenerational anger will wreck my lil family if I don’t learn to grieve through it and get on with it.  I have been told to bless it and accept it and move on.  Not bless and accept the abuse, but my anger.  I have so much work to do.  With the bullying triangulation that involves my children and the conflict it causes them to participate in betrayal of me, it is difficult to process this.  In isolation, maybe, but that anger gloms on to the decades of similar bullshit and it has become too big to manage.  My younger son is deeply affected by his anger and discomfort over the situation and I am handling that poorly.  See, I cannot make them stop.  I must stop sharing my feelings about that with my sons, in order to lessen the burden for them.  I have immense anger, I feel almost 50 years of betrayal’s worth of anger in a minute, just by being reminded of an incident that is similar to one that hurt me.  Please please please let my awareness and willingness to break this fucken cycle help me not hand this down directly to my sons.

Their father was raised by three sisters, hauntingly similar (emotionally) to my own “family”.  I think that was my sick attraction, that shared angst and disappointment over how things should have and could have been better, kinder, more enjoyable in our childhoods.  So, yeh, I have anger.  Rightfully so.  Now what?  How do I honestly and effectively work through it?   Like, how do I find acceptance for WHAT IS and just be present and open to new feelings and experiences?  Anger is a part of a mentally healthy emotional life, but it can not be THE SOURCE.  It feels as if there is a very thin layer of scab over my broken heart and with the slightest nick, torrents anger and despair are released.

What will I do differently today?  Besides not post shaming shit about my sister?  That is a bullshit way to handle anger, childish, unwholesome, damaging.  I cannot unlearn fast enough to parent my children in the way in which they deserve.  My bad behavior makes me far more uncomfortable than other people’s bad behavior.

I want to heal.  I am angry that my family has active disinterest in healing as a family.  And while they refuse to heal with me, they also refuse to get the fuck off my ex and my children, which is the most vile betrayal imaginable.   Acceptance.  Acceptance.  Acceptance. Trust me—I want to GET OVER IT  I will!  #odaat