I needed something from the world (which in formative years- meant my mother whom I counted on to soothe and support me) which I did not know how to ask for. I needed shelter from the barage of sensory overload and tools and skills for regulation – a safe person and place to turn to for rest and recovery, from a world which overwhelmed me at every level.
My open expression of unmet need and failure to hide discomfort opened the door to being othered, dismissed, banished, erased, and demeaned. Because I lacked the experience and language to comprehend and process this or handle it effectively myself, I persisted in a variety of ways to be understood, to seek consolation.
The things I could count on (but not grasp/articulate or benefit from) were belittlement & dismissal and/or toxic positivity: offerings of overly simplified solutions to issues/needs more complex than anyone was willing to consider. I was encouraged to lighten up and to JUST choose a positive attitude. “Hey, here is a book on how to win friends and influence people.”
I can think of no thing which made me sicker/ more depressed in my life than the widely shared belief that I am wrong, different, bad at a cellular level. Patently unlovable. A sub optimal human.
Being disempowered, and cast out was devastating and drove in me, some powerfully unlikable reactions and behaviors. Living in a state of sustained sleep deprivation, with an overactive nervous system, surrounded by and needing to rely on formidably insensitive people, did not work out for me.
It is insisted that I was not abused (just an impossible asshole and treated accordingly). But is there evidence of an absence of abuse?
