I Am Your Biggest Fan- I Am Your Mother

Me to S1, who is losing his shit over irritating behavior of S2:  S1, Is it possible you are over re-acting?  S2 is being insensitive, AND maybe your reaction could be less intense?

S1: It is possible.

We are learning to gradually feel and allow our feelings come instead of going straight to escalation. I relate and am not unaware of how much abusers can get away with when their target’s over-the-top reaction steals all attention away from any unfairness which is taking place. Saying “ouch” or “stop”  incorrectly comes with a big ticket.

 

S1: Mommy, What will you make for dinner tonight?

Me: How about grilled shrimp?

S1 with genuine joy in his voice:  Yay. Your shrimp are tasty!  Are they the large or the small ones?

Me: Large, of course

S1:  Sigh of peace♥

I treasure his choice of  the word “tasty”.  His uniqueness and innocence are brilliant!

 

Before school, Me to S2:  Time to brush teeth

S2:  Ok

Me, 15 minutes later, teeth still unbrushed:  How is that tooth-brushing going? (Translation AYFKM-do it already)

S2: I am still processing.

Me: Brush your effing teeth. NOW.

S2:  Ok

Kills me.  Each day, when I remember to stay present, I am better able to focus on their innocence and just be love, no matter what.  And when I am deep into future worries and rehearsals or in the past rehashing and regretting, I miss out on much of their magic.  I love waking them gently in the morning and reading them to sleep.  That they love it too makes my heart feel something like achey, though maybe not best word.  It is just immense and miraculous-perhaps joy.  My sons are 100% Wholesome and Badass.  Courageous, Honest, Caring, Faithful, and funny as shit!

 

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation

I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother  copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging.  With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.”  Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.

Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday.  I was happy to help another single mom.  At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00.  I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.

Continue reading “Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Instead of Focusing on Rejection

Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space.  This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey.   If you click the image, it will take you there.   Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff.  I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive,  appealing, and comforting.  I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.
This one simple accent will transform the energy of my home.  Succulents in little black pots.  Neutral color.  Low maintenance.  Simple shapes- appealing, soothing, and doable for someone like myself.  Will I do it?  Or is this just another example of hoarding good ideas without executing?  Perhaps soon I will stage and photograph of the results of my efforts to create comfort and beauty in our house home. Continue reading “Instead of Focusing on Rejection”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

I Am Not Just Raising Boys

How my day began:  S2 enters my room to ask me if I am awake.

Me: Good morning baby.  Did your brother wake you up?

S2:  No he was awake before me.

Me:  Really?  doing what? Reading?

S2:  Staring at me.  He was stalking me.

Me:  Seriously

S2:  Yes moooom, he was stalking me in my sleep.

These moments are like the sweetest dreams ever.  I could neither imagine nor forge them into existence, just the fruits of connection.  Laughter is key, good wholesome laughter about nothing in particular.  It is an absolute privilege to know and love my sons- who do not “belong to their father and me”, but have been entrusted to us.  I am not their owner or their god. My hope for them- that they develop faith in a power greater than themselves or any other single human, a god that is neither human nor a substance.  They are growing up fast.  Innocence won’t last forever.  But humility,faith, and loyalty can.  I will seek the wisdom to become a more fit teacher and model the things I myself,  am just now learning.  Thank god for all the good humor we enjoy as we learn tough lessons together about how to be in this world.

My Lil family!  ♥  Wisdom from other moms of boys, women of faith, recovery, grace, please share with me.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Eff Socializing and Small Talk-if it is not for you

I simply cannot find the words to describe all the ways in which Jiu Jitsu meets our family’s needs at sensory, spiritual, and social levels. There is something so humbling and safe, and empowering in this martial art. If I had my way, classes would be three hours instead of one. My boys feel similarly and we enjoy coming home and Jiu Jitsu-ing each other. The connection, self-esteem, and confidence that happen in our studio/class defy articulation. It is not friendship so much as kinship. And I wouldn’t call it a fellowship, because I believe that requires social-talking, where this requires talking only when necessary to learn a new position or submission skill. Continue reading “Eff Socializing and Small Talk-if it is not for you”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/

Take Time for Creativity

For the first time in almost 2 years, I am able to mentally settle down enough to look through and work in my altered books.  My soulmate-best friend, who came to me late in life and at exactly the right time, is an art therapist.  For yeeeears, she ♥harassed ♥me to craft with her and I REFUUUUUUSED- unwilling AND uncertain that I could produce anything enjoyable or respectable.  My first surrender to her art torture was a collage.  I actually created a vision board(which feels queer for me to even say) and in the hours and days of harvesting suitable images, I discovered what was important to me, about me.  I fell in love with the process. With anything I “create”, I tend to be critical and ambivalent about my finished work.(Previously learned, self-limiting attitudes I am now unlearning)  When I look at anything drawn, colored, painted, copied, pasted, or even cooked by me, I can see the white knuckles and the fear all over it, my intensity– and that WAS painful to acknowledge.  I do not love being intense…but now I own it and enjoy closeness with those who appreciate it and distance from those who judge.  It is how and who I am.  In-tense! Continue reading “Take Time for Creativity”

Much Love,
Magda Gee

For shorter, more frequent and fun posts, connect with me on Instagram by clicking the pic- Wholesomebadass. https://www.instagram.com/wholesomebadass/