The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.” — James Baldwin
How to Alienate Others and Die Completely Alone A Working Draft Introduction I used to believe relationships failed because of misunderstanding. This is my attempt to document how I learned they fail faster when you insist on a shared understanding. Proven Alienation Accellerants Step One: Take Everything Seriously Assume words mean things. Assume patterns matter. Assume what hurts once will hurt again. Respond with directness. Step Two: Ask for Clarification When something feels off, say so. When it still feels…
The sandard proof can depend on who is being asked.
I am a survivor studying the wreckage, noticing a pattern.When a person is being harmed, a mountain of tidy evidence is demanded—transcripts, videotapes, witnesses, perfectly composed testimony—and even then, it is rarely sufficient. Meanwhile, the person with the well-fitting mask and an image to manage says, “I didn’t do it. The emotional person is clearly troubled.”And the world responds, “Okay. We believe you.” In a system where sucking it up and smiling is the only rewarded behavior, a reasonable question emerges:Who is…
Triangulation occurs when communication is routed through others instead of addressed directly, creating confusion, loyalty conflicts, and distance.
Over the years, my children’s father, my mother, and my sister communicated and met without me. This alliance was formed in the shadows. There was no pre‑existing relationship between my mother or sister and the man I divorced. These gatherings included my children and happened during a period of high conflict with their father. Repeated triangulation and exclusion carried their own message. Exclusion normalized the idea that my voice was optional and my value as a parent was nil. Without…
Triangulation occurs when communication is routed through others instead of addressed directly, creating confusion, loyalty conflicts, and distance.
How Contempt Gets Modeled and Inherited What happens when alignment with one parent supports the rejection of the other? What I’m experiencing with my son doesn’t feel like a sudden break. It feels like the outcome of a slow, sanctioned erosion of my role. His father—and other family members—modeled and rewarded a kind of contempt toward me that taught him early: my emotions and sensitivity are proof of defect and unworthiness (“You know how she is”), my authority is optional,…
