+++Love is inconvenient, often difficult. And IT is much more than enjoying, being attached, attracted to or glad for a thing. Love is a verb- evidenced by behavior that is benevolent, kind, accepting(of the innate value we each have as humans). Hate is also a verb— more serious than disliking a thing the most amount. To hate, is to desire tearing down and destroying. I believe both love and/or hate are first introduced and learned at home. AND can be unlearned later, in recovery, for those of us fortunate enough to find it.
+++I am still learning the difference between emotional resilience (“thick skin”) and allowing my emotional reality to be negated. Taking the high road has come to mean walking way from people who measure my strength and goodness by my willingness to stay and to take shit, while thinking I deserve it.
+++Me being a “difficult” child was not a test of me, about my lovability. It was a test of and for my parents and relatives, guardians, and protectors. It is not a child’s job to shape shift to make a parent more comfortable, to make their lives easier. What I find interesting, is that my FOO would like to justify their hostile behaviors and diminishing messaging to me and about me (You are burdensome, alone, on your own, unewelcome and will be removed if….) by proclaiming my insanity. It is true. I was literally deranged, even as a toddler— from trying to cope with and mange the unmanageable. So, if I needed mental help, why was nobody getting me some? Where was the help for THE insanity and unwellness? I suspect that me receiving help, may have revealed things, not everybody wanted to acknowledge and address.
+++In recovery, we keep showing up to practice loving– even when we do not understand, approve, or enjoy a person, place, or thing. To love— is to want and act in good faith, toward a good/ positive outcome, even when we don’t know exactly what that means. Sometimes loving requires that we wait, ask hard questions with hard answers, listen, wait more, pray…. Love does not belittle, shame, banish and gossip, though. Of this, I am now certain. That I get to practice good healing love with my children, Sweet Greg, and Favorite is a giant ass miracle of recovery. As I am being reparented in recovery, I cannot help but marvel over the things I am able to learn, about god, love, parenting, connection, and faith.
