It’s painful to recall being scolded in shaming ways during overwhelming moments: “Why are you so angry? Why are you so defensive? Why are you…
I am gradually acquiring better language as I work to heal from things which (for lack of a more precise word) I previously identified as…
The culmination of sleep deprivation, chronic pain, C- PTSD , sensory overload (when in the presence of most others) can fuck heavily with my resilience…
Today, in rush hour traffic, I trekked uptown for a medical appointment. As an anxious and easily overwhelmed person, with a poor sense of direction,…
Ugh, another day to grieve. Not grief that I have sons, but who they get to see me as. I wish they could have known…
What my healing looks like: I get dysregulated and lose my shit – saying reactive and escalating things—and behaving badly. And then: I apologize and…
The irreparable damage of having actively engaged my children in schemes of parental alienation and betrayal of their mother, is not a thing, we as…
I needed something from the world (which in formative years- meant my mother whom I counted on to soothe and support me) which I did not know how to…
Today marks the date of my mother’s birth and the continuing birthday – holiday season. I have been reflecting on my mother’s financially heroic rescue…
As for more more more, apparently that is exactly what a love bomber wants you to want and count on. I hate to use that…
If you were blessed in any of the following ways, in your upbringing and formative experience, you were privileged. Felt loved, seen, heard, safe, welcomed,…
For the past months, intractable insomnia has drastically diminished my ability to function. Circling the drain is the best I can do. My therapist encouraged…
Several things occurred last week to escalate my despair. And the thing which hurt the most, was the secondary feeling. You see, any time, I…
What if I had grown up with even one single person who saw me, heard me, was kind and compassionate and DECIDED that I was…
Month after month of: Serenity + Flow- easy and magical flow- we were convinced this has not been done before, that we invented this way…
I have been struggling to share about the untraditional nature of my relationship, which is by far the only profoundly satisfying one I have known…
There’s so much to unpack from the last few months. I was sick for an unusually long 17 days with something that wasn’t the flu…
One Monday morning in January, after the boys finally returned to school, I headed to the gym under blue skies and sunny mid-50s, with almost…
The concept of being categorically and inherently wrong is new to me. I see how labeling an individual or group this way can lead others…
Having been raised in an system in which love (access to connection and protection) could be earned, lost, and withheld, I did not fare well.…
From my earliest days, my high sensitivity to sensory and emotional impact (and therefore differing needs) were identified as trouble-making, a betrayal, a burden, a…
I suspect that I am the only one in my entire lineage (and also the lineage of the person I married and divorced)— able and…
I’ve been thinking lately about life in survival mode, how it prevented me from setting and working toward/achieving goals. And turns out: Goal achievement plays…
The one thing I have most needed to know how to handle, is myself. I am finally learning to do this– with love and compassion.…
Recovery has been a wildly unpopular choice—quite agitating to those threatened by the idea that there is something wrong—other than only my existence. My healing…
In between wrapping gifts and singing along to Country Christmas, I am taken down by the grief of my sister and my mother, the reality…
So, before divorce and finally sweet Greg, I had experienced sex as an act necessary to make a relationship less shitty (or as a thing…
So, in recovery, I get to practice not telling people about themselves, under any circumstance, with the exception of my children. This, I can not…
Shame and Guilt and Fear for openly wanting or needing more or different from what is being provided…. It never ends. I waited days to…
Schema, perspective, experience, understanding…shit. WOW. My younger son and I differ in so many beautiful ways, and also some difficult ones. Either way, he is…
I am realizing why roles and scripts are of increasing interest to me, as I learn to wean myself from a recurring dynamic. I can…
Exploring dating/intimacy/relationships has been instrumental for me learning to know and understand myself. I am currently in “negotiations” for a power differential (the dynamic has…
Ok, so from the very beginning with Stu, the widow, I was enamored by his ability to say what I needed to hear in the…
Ok, I have resumed journalling, rigorously, of course, because I either do things with rigor or not at all. sooo—With this man, who is widowed,…
So, here I am “dating” again…. And I feel as if it’s almost something to be admitted only in a whisper, to close friends, and…
Last week, Ed, my friend from the mountains, visited for our week together and we had such a nice time doing the most basic shit.…
After my friend in the mountains directed me, in a moment of distress, to “relax”, I was able to calmly request the following without any…
Visits with my friend in the mountains continue for 5 days at a time every other week which works well for us. He and I…
Still enjoying the magic of every other week in the mountains with my new friend, and as we become more familiar and relaxed with each…
It Is Like this On my drives to and from the mountains to visit my new “friend”, the radio signal/reception fades in and out. Shuffling…
“A whole family is one in which each member can bring her full self to the table knowing that she will always be both held and…
“Any time a small child gets labeled and referred to by a parent as too much or bad, that child/baby is actually being handed the…
While there is no right way to do a wrong thing, there are countless wrong ways to do a right thing. Today, I am keenly…
I would not have chosen the things which have harmed me but am grateful and proud of how I am allowing myself to be shaped…
So one of my sons has some serious skills when it comes to dog whistling and gaslighting and boy am I grateful I get to…
Who in your life held you in unconditional high regard and rooted for you, ride or die 24-7-365? Who in your life consistently instilled messages…
I came to view punishment and shame as logical/natural consequences to being different displeasing. Great and collective effort was dedicated to reducing me to a…
CPTSD often occurs as a result of being made to feel unsafe because of your identity. Feeling powerless to change who and how I was,…
Ruminating (ok, obsessing) on the concept of grace and how I feel nearly frantic (obvi) that my boys may not learn to value grace, as…
I created this blog to discover(through reflection an sharing) and reclaim all of parts of myself which had been erased– or failed to develop as…
Love Enjoy Need My sons Tattoos Safe Solitude Sweet Greg Tacos Kindness Favorite(my bff) Tiramisu Safe Laughter Animals Books Safe Connection The Beach Yardwork Reading…
Ok, I have no experience within those kind of systems. My lived family experience falls well outside any of the categories of healthy, healing, loving.…
My inability to authentically love and be good and loyal to you was proof only of the work I needed to do on myself. YOU…
My homework from therapy was to write a letter to myself of what I would want my mother to say to me, what I would…
In my family of origin and then later my mirror image marriage, assertive direct voicing of my own need, preference, or boundary was met with…
I am working to change learned & damaging behaviors and reactions for which I am always apologizing. The work part means healing my wounds, which…
So it seems like juuuuusssst maybe the key to living a peaceful and meaningful existence- is in learning how to recover from difficult people, events,…
I cannot change my past, but I can allow myself to be changed by it. In recovery, self-reflection and growth, for me, have each become…
The message was consistent, from my family of origin and in my marriage–that my experiences, needs, desires, concerns were invalid, inadmissible, troublesome. When (99.9% of…
Qualities which I treasure, not like I am compelled to get to know or call a person a friend, or enter into a relationship, just…
Any form of antihistamine, the smallest dose results, for me, in emotionally violent nightmares. Even antihistamine eye drops, which seems unreasonable, since they are not…
When I mentioned to Sweet Greg last weekend how uncomfortable I am with the 25 extra pounds I have been carrying for the last 4…
Why I Did IT Why did I marry a man who made me feel unsafe, unlovable, unworthy of comfort or acknowledgment? Because it was the…
As I watch and try to untangle and make sense of what is happening, I see how those who need to feel admired will frequently…
To the people who were older and on whom I relied to teach me about love, trust, and connection: The messaging that your encampment in…
From our first email(we met online),phone call, and meeting and all of the days that followed, I felt on edge and scared. And that was…
I see now how my ability to develop or pursue creativity or ambition of any sort, was stunted. I became crazed by my need for…
There are folks (those who are perfect and infallible- the blamers, accusers, hustlers, takers, the entitled, and delusional) unable to to say or think any…
I am never wrong, out of line, erring in judgment, lacking in kindness, patience, grace. It is ill advised to suggest otherwise. Nor am I…
So, the boys’ father is especially manic now that he has found a woman to claim a WE with. Whatever. On my boys’ weekends with…
As I continually have opportunities to PRACTICE detachment, using my recovery tools and skills, it feels only right to share tips (just the tip-hahaha) for…
As a child, everything, for me, became a source of shame, because nothing about our family,home,lives was normal or normalized. It was directly communicated that…
If I really think about it. …I could not have done anything great enough to earn the gift of Sweet Greg’s love. AND there is…
The neuorlogists office called regarding MRI of brain and spine- results of scan: Normal- at least no MS. I will request a second pair of…
I worried that R would righteously skip the MRI and also not tell me. I checked location services and saw the O was home while…
R: I saw my girlfriend last night and she just learned she was exposed to Covid at work yesterday. I have already dropped O off…
We live in a nice, cute & safe home, which I can afford. My boys are able bodied and minded and excellent in many ways.…
Imagine a struggling child (or really any person) whose parent, in no uncertain terms, communicates how: “Nobody can or wants to relate or even to…
In the past month: **My boys’ father met a woman, requiring him to stay out late on school nights (past 10 and even 11) leaving my…
I long desperately (as I do most things) for my boys to desire and believe in the best for each other (in time, I get…
How have I provided good input for my children? Who, in my child’s life is a reliable source for good input (consistently kind, considerate, trustworthy, loyal,…
I was raised on reduced by the continual messaging that my sole function was to make myself pleasing to those displeased by me…. To seek…
So…. One of my tattoos is the word “mercy”. MERCY: compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm. …
It was happy, fun, funny, yummy, cozy. Each and all of us were both free and held. Diametrically opposed to my previous tradition of: untethered…
For only the briefest of moments, I considered feigning, here, as if I felt purely serene and celebratey about today, Thanksgiving. But why? For whom would I…
+++Love is inconvenient, often difficult. And IT is much more than enjoying, being attached, attracted to or glad for a thing. Love is a verb- evidenced by…
Today’s rant is a follow up to my previous post regarding systems which do not allow for complex and uncomfortable feelings, having them, safely expressing…
When you go to therapy and the therapist encourages you to implement the technique of I statements, as an effective way to share your needs…
My personality was not a good fit for my mother and since she had not ever considered choosing a thing(including me) which could rarely please…
I need daily reminding as I am fast to forget and even quicker to obsess over negative myths and programming. When I am not mindful…
I did it! I enjoyed a happy birthday and am pleased to have now officially wrapped up that part of the year. Sweet Greg gets…
Awwwww— a neeeeeeed to “make people smile”–sounds sweet, wholesome, benevolent. Right? Ummmm… I do not always perceive it that way. Instead, it has felt stressful…because that…
“You are overreacting, out-of-control and crazy. You should just go along with this and be OK with it.” When you are on the recieving end…
October is the beginning of the hardest time of year, for me, the season of my birthday and all of the festivity and expectations for…
In sharing the ugliest parts of my experience, I exercise my gift to make others feel seen. For those who have not found the words or…
So based on my boys’ father’s recent behavior/mood, I assumed he either had managed to wrangle some female attention from someone other than his sisters or…
September 11….What a heartbreak of a day. Immeasurable loss, fear and grief. I recall watching the news, alone, in tears, from my home in CA, as I…
While I absolutely do not want another Pandemic shut down, I do experience some smug schadenfreude feelings about what THE SHUT DOWN does to narcissistic…
There was not a single moment with family or my husband type person- the person who went after all my shit–with endorsements by my female…
I feel constantly curious as to what my sister could have communicated to THE family to make them ALL (but three) literally ghost me. I was…
I obssess reflect regularly on how my reactions to trauma: insecurity, shame, and depression were treated harshly, by the people on whom I counted most.…
Artificial Indifference—Finally, a word to name the thing which was sought, feigned, and revered, in my family and then an equally fucked up marriage. I…
If I choose to confront something currenlty taking place, which I percieve as worthy of addressing– and a person attempts to shut me down or…
My older son loves loves loves mountain bike riding (introduced to him and supported consistently by Sweet Greg for more than 5 years). He has…
Me: Pulls into second of two gas tanks at Costco. Gets out of car and walks to pump as car at first tank pulls away. Lady Woman behind me…
My recognition of my own trauma helps me to see how my reactions served well as proof of insanity and lack of credibility–for those who…
Me tooooo. Not necessarily like hashtag me too but “me also” and maybe sometimes #metoo. Since I no longer attend live face to face 12…
Since my ears react adversely to even the highest grade metals, on contact…like immediately, I had altogether stopped wearing earrings, for years– but suddenly I…
Nothing broke me down more than my own believing of wrong beliefs, issued to me by those I counted on to teach and raise me…
Without religion, spirituality, or even first hand experience, my Sweet Greg demonstrates wizardry level acceptance and unconditional love. He never expects or demands that I show…
There have been no times when I have felt more bored and lonely than when I am trying to fit in. Being with people who are…
Trying to not feel hot, cold, anxious, or hungry since nobody else is and it is clearly the wrong way to feel. Trying to be like…
After reading and rereading Anne Lamott’s most recent treasure: Dusk, Night, Dawn, I feel almost close to being able to fully and deeply breathe. Engaging…
I am still obssessed with the toxic and commonly held sentiments (not specifically aimed at me, just in general) and messaging of: You are the…
In Nothing Like I imagined, Mindy Kaling shares her delicious confession about an attempt to be a Big Shot. While out with her celeb buddy…
Even with 10+ years of recovery and spiritual retrieval work (though lately, the doing of the work is minimal and I find myself right back in…
I will not be a person who instructs another to smile. What even is that? To me, that feels unwholesome— unsafe. I prefer an authentically…
In a speech I heard today, it was said that “Patriotism is not loyalty to the president but to the country (in our case, the…
In true Magda- fashion, tired and hungry for my bed, silence, solitude, stillness, and my weighted blanket, I departed our celebration before midnight–AND nobody got…
Sometimes, what it looks like is all anyone (not looking too closely) will see. Oh look, the wise benevolent docotor is helping so many girls.…
So Friday evening, after a long week with the boys, so much engagement and so many words, I was spent— and pleased to be draped…
Tell the Truth!! As a young and developing human, I had consistently recieved messaging that my body was wrong, too brown, too tall, too skinny,…
In my family of origin and later my marriage, if there was a sure way to create tension, I did so effortlessly, though not deliberately,…
“Mom, have you ever felt suicidal?”, asked my son. I admitted: “Yeh, but mostly only on special occasions when I was tethered to people who…
I may spend all of my days seeking a way to forgive and emotionally release one who knowingly chooses to do harmful things to those…
Unrelated things which I have thought or heard over the past five weeks: Sometimes we need to explain or discuss things in order to gain…
As a child and young adult I had not known that I possessed any agency over the trajectory of my life. It seemed pre-determined. In the place…
We recently survived a tragic and highly traumatic event, with our most precious, best girl, an Albino Boa, named Goldie. My older son adored and cared…
As part of my practice of recovery, I do take daily personal inventory and sadly, I am not so recovered that I resist also taking…
Nothing good is born out of shame. Ever. And it does not resolve itself over time. If we don’t intentionally work to heal it, shame makes us…
I was thinking how little I have in common with my family of origin. And then I realized HEY: for most of my life, we…
Without recovery, I would still possess only the tools and beliefs of dysfunction; a fixed mindset with a Zero-sum mentality– all conflicts resulting in a…
The deep seated angst of hoping and begging for peace and resolution- was relieved on the day which I received notice, by a lady whom…
To be introverted means that I prefer solitude and derive energy from quiet time, alone. I don’t completely hate socializing, but it is often too…
“You are either in agreement with (like) us or against us.” That mentality is the ancestral curse and cycle which I strive to crush, one…
My grandmother visited my childhood home a few times a year and I alllllwaaaays looked forward to her arrival. She was radiant, popular, and very…
Though I am intimately familiar with the energy and attitudes which I have always identified in the “serves you right- types”, I have only just…
Because I was raised without healthy sustained connection with my care givers, I attempted to build an identity around attachments and affiliations- which would not ever…
In relationships, if it is conditional, it is not kind. I can think of nothing more confused and distorted than my early ideas about kindness…
Oh, Like a lightning bolt- it struck me, again. How much, extremists of any sort can not “tolerate” peaceful protest or resistance. To them– to…
Seems as if stonewalling and gaslighting are techniques intended to erase a person, to obliterate their spirit. Stonewalling is a tactic used by bullies to…
In their young efforts to address my George Floyd despair, my boys offered me this: “Mom, he did have meth in his system and had…
My steady refusal of gifts and moments of staged harmony (in place of healing, repair, and honest connection) illuminated my unwillingness to bypass necessary mending.…
Torture (unlike abuse which is often spontaneous and unintentional, though still scarring) is pre-meditated and planned out. It is designed to methodically dismantle a person’s…
I was born to un-white skin, a foreign name, one Middle Eastern Moslem parent and the other an Agnostic Jew. Later, bussed across town to…
All Special Days—Mother’s Day reminded me of the last time I sat with my mother and sister. I have a framed picture from that dinner, which…
Things I am good at: Losing my shit Apologizing Wasting time Getting difficult stuff done Struggling with simple things because of associated historical feelings Helping…
I am… According to MBTI, an ISFJ Enneagram Almost equally #8 and #4- considering doing the paid test @ https://ianmorgancron.com (UPDATE: I gave in to…
If the people to whom we looked, for love and protection, imposed traumatic shame for failed similarness and submission, that was a breach (by them)…
It was communicated collectively and consistently to me, that who I was (am) is THE problem. In my 40s, I found a program of recovery to…
Having believed that “I. Am. THE. Problem”– the designated cause for other people’s shame, pain, hostile silence, cruel words, and overall mental health could only be…
So, an Instagram Ad for a pore vacuum appeared in my feed…eeew gross, right?–What kind of dirty loser needs to vacuum their pores…only the most…
One of the most amazing aspects of life with Sweet Greg is our partnership as equals, our collaboration, working as a team, though often I…
For much of my life I treasured, even sought, the opportunity to align with one person (squee –closeness, right?) against another for any reason at all–…
In my family of origin, people seemed to get ranked by intellect and like mindedness (or different mindedness). There were decent people(worthy of kindness and respect) —…
Most of us (if only a little) are impressed by fine clothes, cars, homes, overall attractiveness, and status. -Totally normal to unconsciously attach meaning to what…
My life is filled with terrible choices, ugly truths, and failed relationships. Those things do not define me and cannot be used to shame or diminish…
Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you. Gossip is saying behind their back what you would not say to their face. Flattery is saying to…
Have you known a person who can not see or admit when they have done harm by their words, choices, or actions? They tend to…
When possible, I now know to abstain from people whose words, actions, and proclaimed values are not aligned, those folks are not for me, even…
Reposting Tom Weston’s Five Rules of Being a Grown Up (steps to maintaining the status quo/rape culture/being pushed out to the margins) The Five Rules…
So interesting, I enjoyed a wonderful day off work all to myself and then, while relaxing with an audio book, I was reminded of the…
Who do you crave when you are in pain? Who unfailingly welcomes and solicits your unedited truth? Is it the perpetually smiling person dedicated to the…
I felt thrilled and a little proud-ish to have enrolled in a class at the local university. I was satisfied by my initiative, planning, execution, arranging…
Deny, defend, deflect, dilute. I think it is natural to do these things when we are young and full of not knowing how to act…
Last week, when we were notified of Ecoli in our water, our local schools and restaurants closed for 2 days and residents were under a…
If the opportunity to exchange goodbyes with my mother had been possible… I would have wept, thanked, apologized, forgiven–even if she remained silent and unreceptive.…
Altruistic Donor is the term for a living donor who chooses to part with an organ for an unknown and unspecified recipient. Totally fascinated by…
While Sweet Greg and I were out for his birthday lunch last Saturday, I went to the restroom to wash my hands and saw a…
I once did pretty much all of the same shit I now will not tolerate. In recovery, I am unlearning and growing, not pretending as…
Emotionally stunted people fail to learn to accept, process, or even tolerate a full range of emotion, leaving them emotionally primitive—limited only to recognizing pleasure…
Because Sweet Greg did not flinch, pout, or punish me for declaring myself absolutely physically and emotionally unavailable for the weekend, I feel beyond humbled…
I struggled mightily, since my earliest days. My formative experience strongly suggested my defectiveness as the cause, willfully imposing, as only an asshole would, on those…
I never tire of this reading and continue hoping that it may become a more common practice– reaching for The Third Way– in times of…
Last week as I relished a much-needed break from being used, taken advantage of, I was able to feel a smidge of compassion for the…
Shame is confirmation of emotional and spiritual unwellness. I know of no other thing which will so swiftly turn a person to unkindness, dishonesty, and…
I am feeling agitated over how our new before and after school arrangement is no good for my sons. It is the consequence of my decision…
This past Sunday, rather than attending the regular service, I sat in on the Middle School Group of girls at a new church, with a…
So odd to return to a campus in which I attended undergrad. Literally, it felt mostly unfamiliar, possibly because I am now in a different…
I left our last wrestling match feeling discouraged by my boys’ attitudes and conduct, recognizing OUR need for guidance on how to be solid citizens,…
Natural consequences are outcomes that happen as a result of behavior, which are not planned or controlled. For example, if a student cuts in front…
I am devouring (binge-watching of course) The Morning Show on Apple TV. What a trip to watch Jennifer Aniston killing it, as the beastly narcissistic Alex…
My first full year as an official orphan (in which I was banished by literally every blood relative) truly flew and I am going out…
Discovering that there is a name for this disease of perceptions and relationships, was the beginning of my healing. Every meeting offers the gift of…
I have definitely lost touch with my higher power, indicated by my obsessive and anxious rehearsing and rehashing, the afterburn of having stood up for…
So- In my desire and pursuit to be merciful, I foolishly agreed to a highly undesirable arrangement for myself. I did so, in an effort to…
Just thrilled to have found and reposted this meme on instagram, if only—-for one commentor’s response: “Each time I try to appear normal, or pick…
Squeee! I have completed my application for admission to a graduate course of study in Applied Ethics. I am interested in the path and the…
I have been hungering, starving for a way to explore THIS, outside of my limiting perspective/ personal experience and SO—am now contemplating graduate school for…
My relationships before recovery were so distrusting and volatile, and could literally snap under the weight of even the slightest tension. It was not safe or…
Even, through my thirties, I had not learned to appropriately respond to harmful behaviors and words. Consistently, my uninformed and humiliating reactions stole the show,…
Thanks for letting me go. Nearly 5 decades chasing or running from you–was no way to live and no longer how I understand and do love. …
Things that once caused me shame: My thin awkward body and brownish (non-white) skin My name–the one assigned to me at birth My inability to…
From Liz Earnshaw (Click anywhere on this post to read more from her): There is a phenomenon in families known as homeostasis (really, in any…
I did not comprehend or grasp anything close to sane thinking before entering into my program of recovery. After my first Al-Anon meeting, I attended…
I am beyond excited for my upcoming and long awaited appointment to finish my back-piece tattoo, a sprawling octopus which we began more than a…
I have lived many sad years, decades actually. Life, even on the most special of days, has been that, for me. So, when asked what…
After posting the image to IG, I was reminded of the Brene Brown Video called the Anatomy of Trust. She makes it clear to see…
I was terrified and ashamed and I did not know what to do, for much of my life. With the only consistent direction: “Be somebody…
In recovery, my greatest endeavor and achievement to date, I get to have a God Of My Understanding (GOMU). Before connecting with my very own GOMU,…
If I really think about it. … I could not have done anything great enough to earn the gift of Sweet Greg’s love. AND there…
Sweet Greg is here, recovering from brutal wisdom tooth extraction while I battle my obsessive thinking alongside current heinous withdrawal from Xyzal. What a nightmare.…
Today, I cannot help but marvel at how I was raised to believe that the words, opinions, moods, and behaviors of others should make me…
It really makes no difference why a person is consistently kind and honest or why they are not. It may be time to stop needing…
The other night, my older son was distraught by a situation at school and was spiraling into despair by obsessing on the unfairness and the…
If one of my legs became afflicted with progressive, fatal, and incurable disease, diminishing my overall health and quality of life –and I could have…
Ugh! My life has never been better. Ever. But this does not change the reality of my depression and anxiety. In fact, they are made…
Yesterday at the vet for routine procedures, there was a man, with his very old and loved, black cocker spaniel neatly bundled in a blanket…
I was an inconvenient child. There was no tolerance or support for this, only resentment. I learned resentment at an early age. Unlearning is taking time. As…
A little more than a month has passed and I have not cried for the absence of my mother. When she was alive, because of…
A Litany for Survival BY AUDRE LORDE (…) For those of uswho were imprinted with fearlike a faint line in the center of our foreheadslearning to…
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9: Made direct amends to such…
Buh-Bye Toxic Shame! Recovery for me has included unburdening of generations of the toxic shame imposed on me. I now have the tools to identify…
Friday after school, we had an unusually peaceful few hours before going to pick up dinner from our favorite BBQ place. Often, the time between…
My boys are still young enough that they are more interested in what feels good and right than what hurts and upsets. I love that…
When you are raised having your words and feelings ignored, dismissed, challenged and twisted to be used against you, you may, as I did, dedicate…
Happy Valentines Day, y’all ♥️ My favorite part of my relationships is the laughing endlessly, together, over exactly how unreasonable we can be, at times,…
“My family upbringing lacked courtesy, respect, calm responses, and forgiveness. It has taken me years to learn how to pause, reflect and choose a more…
“I set boundaries today, in good faith, with anyone who disregards my thoughts or feelings. Disregarding and disrespecting are different from disagreeing.” (wise words of…
I am on my second go-round of this riveting and relatable memoir, as it is generously providing words for thoughts which previously, I felt unable…
The messages of non-love which are cruelly and generously heaped upon my boys, by older members of their genetic families, require daily dispelling. The demystification…
As far back as I remember, I did not belong. Anywhere. I was different from the people to whom I am genetically linked, and regarded…
When the people you are tethered to in childhood or marriage are the same ones who kick your feet out from under you, it fucks…
Labelling the Formatting Issues as errors is part of an ongoing joke between Sweet Greg and me. As I said, we really do not get…
This morning, over breakfast, my older son(S1) asked if Greg and I ever get mad at each other. Of course, I did not offer a…
With active substance abuse and addiction, running in all directions of our family tree, we get to have many discussions on this matter. Both my…
“You can’t make me and neither can I.” I am almost finished with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies and this line really stayed with me. ???Hard truth. Discipline…
It is painful to witness my boys being expected to suffer silently or get comfortable in the presence of unkindness. Their father and I have…
I Can Not Be Counted On: To be perfect To be manipulated by fear, favoritism, or gifts To agree or even feign agreement To pretend…
Nearing the end of Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead, I am taking note of the qualities in the characters that I find admirable and deplorable. Initially…
Every spare moment has been dedicated to slowly devouring The Fountainhead or binge-watching Schitt’s Creek. Regarding Fountainhead, it is a loooooong read but the depth…
Ok, not writing at all, about IT is unreasonable and unhealthy. I am tweaking my resolution to add an allowance for myself, to contemplate and…
Netflix’s Atypical, our first family binge-watching opportunity. Sam, Zahid, and Paige are each so damn relatable and hysterical, and it was consensus that we could…
Having declared on 12/31 that I am moving on and redirecting my attention, I am on day 4 of posting about anything at all that…
As with most things, I am reading The Fountainhead – in true addict fashion. The clash between Peter Keating and Howard Roark is beyond compelling,…
Best Friends Forevvuh. 42 years of sisterhood. Total traveling pants. Bringing in the New Year with Favorite and her family was a win. Tastiest foods, ?????…
I intend to end this year of insanity, by allowing my mother’s recent passing to mark the end of my active attachment to a system…
Omg. I woke up thinking about exactly this. How holding a clear and healthy boundary, within my family of origin(and marriage) gets labelled “holding a…
To state that my feelings about and reasons for attending yesterday’s service for my mother are messy and confusing, is an understatement. At this moment, this…
Dear Mother, You must be pleased that I married someone emotionally and morally similar to you and to my sister? And equally contented that YOUR…
People say don’t use social media to post your personal problems. I use social media to post about abuse because it is a social problem.…
Trying to surrender my current prayer of “Make it fucken stop” for “PLEASE ?? Help me become willing to accept the things I cannot change and to…
I have never, not ever, not once in 50 years had a moment of resolution with my mother or sister in which each of the…
Yesterday, overly tired from waking at 4am, unable to return to sleep. I ruined myself from 4-8am, with recycled, if not hysterical thoughts of my older…
I am grateful (though broken hearted) that I was able to tell my older son (S1) and his father, in no uncertain terms, that I would…
Today’s service centered around Pilate and Jesus: Kingdoms in Conflict. John 18:33 – 18:37(quite possibly incorrectly notated-whatev) I begin by declaring that: I, in no…
While I am enjoying the peace and slow pace of an undemanding Thanksgiving Break for myself, my heart is so fucking heavy from what family…
I am deeply grateful for Considerate Birthdays, Mellow Halloweens, Compassionate Christmases, and today–a Tender Thanksgiving. I cannot know for sure, but suspect that if I…
Even at age 40, pre-recovery, I had not learned/internalized any absolute morals, by which I could hold myself accountable. I thought I did, but honestly,…
With Greg, boundaries are a non issue, we have compatible operating systems and shared values- prioritizing each other’s peace, comfort and pleasure. Goes without saying,…
A little more than 3 years ago, Greg and I began getting to know each other. A hectic time for me, newly relocated from the…
Expressed anger, no matter how true, right, or fairly it is communicated, in my family of origin, causes a person to be rendered crazy, mean,…
I prioritize the closeness and connection of my chosen relationships, holding zero regard for an illusion or status of having said “relationship”. Life is both…
I am now recognizing how, after moving here, if we would have continued as a blended, healing, fixed family with my FOO, my ex, my…
Thank Good Gawd Almighty for the most marvelous friend —who loves family, God, selfies, presents, fun, joy, travel, celebrating, and even me— to the end of…
Alone in the car with my younger son, today, I pretended to take credit for saying something fantastic, a quote which actually came directly from…
Angry letters I would write and send if not for recovery. I have anger, but it is not the boss of me. I let it…
The tribal tension in our country right now is a perfect parallel to the dynamic of my family of origin- overflowing of remarkable efforts toward…
A pile of poop with a smile, is still poop. Sunday’s sermon began with the smiling poop emoji on both of the teleprompter screens. The…
This post is taken directly from how.i.rebuilt.myself. The “me too ” which I feel when I read her posts is priceless-helping survivors heal, one post at a time.…
The words below are cherry picked straight from Jen Hatmaker’s post on IG today. They speak directly to my heart and make clear for me…
What an interesting concept. “DESERVE”. I cannot help but cringe each time I hear this word thrown about. Maybe as a person who grew up…
Last week my older son was initiated by a new neighbor boy, whom we do not know—even a little. This neighbor decided to “come out”…
People have expressed to me, their sense, that I do not care what others think. This is UNtrue. I make no efforts to control what…
As the beginning of another school year– at new schools, rapidly approaches, I imagine and worry dream for my sons– the possibilities that lay ahead. Of…
A program friend recently asked me if I out my sister to punish her, and cautioned me against it—because that(punishing) would be bad for my…
Daily, I feel tormented by the notion that if I were JUST less sensitive and more forgiving we could be a happy healthy family. But…
Over the past decade, I have become very clear on my lack of desire to surround myself with likeminded people, so much as I do…
Nearly every night between 1 and 4 a.m. , this guy wakes me up to let me know that he needs to go potty. But,…
In recovery, I am reminded consistently that we are never victims. This does not mean that people do not intentionally victimize and persecute others, but…
I do not suck, sometimes my behavior does–but THIS- this alllllwaaaaays sucks. Today is a hard day. I wake up every single day, so painfully…
Oh- this post!!!! What an immense comfort and timely topic. Bullying, oppression, exclusion- behaviors and attitudes: not as narrowly defined as we tend to think.…
Lately, I spend every moment possible reading and listening for comfort, from those who have openly navigated troublesome experiences, who possess the inner strength and…
Unable to articulate all that is on my mind, I have decided to share another magical and medicinal post from Momastery.com I would like to pre-empt…
You struggle to keep your balance- to not jump- but you just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are walking a…
My recovery is a wildly unpopular choice, extremely agitating to those who need to be feel in control, play God, the judge, the jury, the punisher,…
Looking back, I see that the only times my mother and sister had anything to do with me, were for emergencies and celebrations/scheduled gatherings. I…
Because of intense and atypical sensitivity to both physical and emotional stimulus, I have felt humiliated, not only for being wired differently but for having been…
Today, my sweet boys embark on their first week ever, of sleep away camp- away from mom, dad, and each other. What I feel even…
Surprisingly, it was a very good day. I forced myself to go sweat it out in the yard, pruning, mowing, weeding. I always feel…
In the past year, I have noted consistently how my low blood sugar either triggers or mimics anxiety for me. I feel ill much of…
How I wished I would have been a nice kid. Kindness and humility were neither natural nor modeled for me. I was scared shitless, constantly–with…
I don’t really get it. How is it ever better for relationships and trust, to rely on indirect communication for genuine understanding of needs, wants,…
Because we have recovery in our home, we get to practice clarifying, for ourselves and each other, the difference between unpleasant facts and problems. Before…
6:45 a.m.- It doesn’t even mater why… I woke to crushing anxiety this morning, as I do most, overwhelming, free-floating anxiety tied to nothing in…
I heard it expressed frequently by my family of origin– which led to my own false belief that we may each enforce our truths and…
Frankly, little mattered to me before motherhood. Life has has never, NOT felt incredibly difficult and unnatural for me. Having sensory issues is difficult. Even…
I have been finding healing and comfort in re-reading and listening to When Bad Things Happen to Good People( a book I first borrowed from…
I love knowing that if I am willing to see where I have failed, hurt, or harmed, I get to learn from and transcend that.…
It is exhausting to observe people pretending as if we all come into this world with the same chances. We do not. Our wiring, brain…
To My Darling Sons, It hurts knowing how I burden you daily with my deep seeded angst from having come from the family, which I…
Sound familiar? So, this is my modified version of the Narcissists Prayer. I have re-evaluated my need to label others as addicts or narcissists. In my…
Dear Aunt Catherine, Spending time with you makes us feel bad; bad about you, bad about our mom, our grandmother, your daughters, and bad about…
I get that my mother did the best she could…and STILL–what happened to me is not right or acceptable. I know we differ in many…
Is it unreasonable to wish for a mother who would not contribute to or support initiatives that are guaranteed to escalate tension between her grandsons’…
I cannot help but marvel at how “they” manufacture chaos and trouble so they can dole out punishment, while denying their anger. A part of my…
I used to have immense shame over how I struggled and how I felt, like I was embarrassed for my feelings. WTF? Difficult feelings were…
I was alllwaaaays melting down-losing my shit. I had not learned healthy coping skills. For my first 40 years, secondary feelings about my feelings kicked…
Last night, Bryan Adams’ song “Best Days of Our Lives” played on the radio. For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer…
You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame. Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and…
People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge. It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for…
This reminded me of Christmas Dinner 3 years ago while angsting over my contribution of a salad for the evening meal; worried that the dressing…
You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing…
On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote: amen C Catherine G Whitney Charlotte NC On Thu, Dec 15,…
Today, I did something different. When I wanted to react, when I wanted to retaliate, to enlighten, I did nothing. I let it be.…
“In the midst of divorce, now, more than ever, my children look to me. They look to me to see how merciful and generous I…
The messages from my family of origin were unmistakable: “We will not show empathy or understanding for your perspective. In response to what we perceive…
Today, my therapist asked why my sister or the boys’ father might want to undermine me and damage my credibility. The simple answer is that…