I was raised on reduced by the continual messaging that my sole function was to make myself pleasing to those displeased by me…. To seek approval from the disapproving: TO dedicate myself to curbing who I was, what I felt, wanted, needed, liked, disliked, feared – Performance and pretense were requirements, but only if I hoped to be accepted non-banished and non-reproached. Unworthy, unlovable, defective, punishable for being too muchy and not enoughy of certain things. Those voices of disapproval became my own voice and identity. I thought they were reflecting back to me who I actually was. And you know what….fuck that.
In order to qualify for “safety and connection” I would have had to, basically, become someone other than myself. It made no sense and did not work out for me, at all. I nearly died trying, first in my family of origin, then in a marriage which mimicked that original dynamic.
Decades without the ability to discern authentic & meaningful purpose and connection, wrecked me at a cellular level, leaving me lost, untethered, confused and very very angry about being denied what I craved and at some level, knew that I deserved (and which seemed impossible for me to “earn” and sustain)- assurance of a safe and nurturing place in which I might thrive and guidance from people who could be trusted and kind.
As my teen boys now seek (though unconsciously) to know “to whom do I belong” and “where will I head”, I watch and listen closely. They observe their father and me with our diametrically opposing beliefs (and results) regarding these matters. I feel both hopeful and pleased that they seem to be grasping that: true purpose brings true connection… a higher purpose — greater than personal (and often uninformed and reactive) wants. I recall with shocking clarity how my believing wrong and untrue things led me to want wrong things(things not meant for me) and do wrong(unwholesome) things.
Long Story Short: When people are not comfortable with or accepting of us, that is not our cue to be different, but to beWARE: Those are not our people. Some people will simply not like, appreciate, or understand us, in fact they may wish to harm and diminish us, as the only way they know, to manage their own discomfort. That is proof only of THEIR issue and defect. Oh, and also, fuck them.
Very ranty today after more horseshit maneuvers by someone with whom I must deal, for as long as we both shall live. While this post is not my most wholesome or badass, it is recovery at work. Because instead of telling him about himself, I pop off here, in my space, with only those who care to know what I might feel or have to say.
