“Are you seriously still talking about it?”
I came to view punishment and shame as logical, natural consequences of being different or displeasing. A great and collective effort was dedicated to reducing me to a more manageable situation. It’s hard to discern which was more demoralizing—being demeaned or being ignored, shunned in that Amish‑style way.
I cannot believe I still get to be with Sweet Greg (nearly seven years), who would never consider diminishing, ignoring, or abandoning me. This relationship is one of the greatest gifts and challenges of my life. Receiving unearned, unconditional kindness, love, and loyalty is unnatural and unfamiliar—and actually triggers sadness and pain. It reminds me of the basic kindness and secure connection I had never known. So even in the dearest of times, I struggle with the unfamiliar and feel pain.
It is not a negative attitude, not an obsession with the past, and not a lack of gratitude. THIS is unhealed trauma. THIS is grief. I will continue doing the work to break the cycle and to heal myself. My recovery is the most important thing I may ever do or model for my children. It is exhausting though, and never ending.
