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Surrender…. or Try Harder, More, Better

Resignation is not acceptance– and with my family of origin, this is especially challenging.  The collective action and message which remain consistent from them: “eff you, you are unworthy and bad– banished, but we will allow your sorry ass if you ever choose to sit at our table with us and accept the blessing of the seat we offer.”  I just cannot accept that offer….and am failing to extract a better one.  My sister insists it is her intent to have our family together for the sake of our mother but her actions have divided us all by 360 degrees.  My mother claims to want some family unity in her lifetime but dismisses me at every turn.  I do not want to be seated at a table with people who treat me as unworthy of acknowledgment and love.  I guess it just hurts.  

Published by Magda Gee

I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am newly learning faith, hope, and courage, practices not witnessed by me, in my childhood, with my family. Sadly, No Contact, as a last resort, is how I keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.

2 Replies to “Surrender…. or Try Harder, More, Better”

  1. That cartoon is just like you! If someone disses you for WHATEVER reason, you keep attributing it to YOUR failure. It’s not, it’s NOT. It may not even be about you.

    At the same time, you realize that they are stupid asses, not bad at all, and certainly not wholesome. Just plain old asses, frightened of anything new in their lives, frightened to open the door because of what might be there. If YOU found yourself behind your door, then Heaven forfend, they might find THEMSELVES behind their doors. See how that works? They are afraid, down deep, of finding themselves, so they pretend that they are afraid of finding that they are just like you. Of course, they are. They are just human beings like all the rest of us, and they are so afraid of losing what they want to be, who they want to believe they are. All that forces them to reject you and shut you out even harder, even though they want to be like you, and secretly know they could be if only they could lose that FEAR.
    So no matter what they say, do or don’t do, You Go, Girl!

    Love you so much,
    JJ

    1. Thank you JJ,
      No matter how much I hear this, it only partially alleviates the pain of disconnection.. It is fair and true and sad. Thank you for just listening, breathing, laughing, crying, and being with me in this way. I feel you always.

      xo
      Magda Gee

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