Tension persists as my boys’ father, actively defies our legally binding custodial settlement. Feeling even more above the law, now cozy with my sister(married to a judge). My ex’s continued withholding information regarding changes by him for plans with our boys during my scheduled time, as well as relevant health information is hostile. He seems hungry for a reaction, a lecture, or snarky comment by me. Not happening. I may however, say, in front of our children, 
“Hey, when making plans for the boys during their week with me, please talk to me about it first. ” #kthanksbye. The reason for saying it in front of them is so they may witness that what I say about him is what I will say to him, alignment of my words, actions, and principles!!! This is recovery and progress for which I feel immensely proud. From what I have read, the abuse that follows having a clear and sane boundary is standard reaction by those affected with NPD and untreated addiction issues. In my FOO and marriage, making a clear request or statement of my limits was always the beginning of a cold war.
When I am so bold as to make requests of this nature, the standard reaction is a series of texts listing ways in which I have sucked or failed. ((This is the exact dynamic I once endured with my sister–co-incidence? I think not)) Without reading words intended to diminish me, I bookend OUR “exchange” with my original text-verbatim. Not reacting. Ha! That is a win for recovery. Expecting respect and compliance for our legal arrangement is in no way mean or unreasonable, BUT definitely displeasing to anyone who needs to WIN and dominate. The things he must tell himself to justify his ways…. He too, descends from a family which triangulates and rationalizes persecution and alienation tactics, as essential: caused or earned by anyone perceived as lacking reverence or willing submission.
For him to incite an overt fight or war(similar to my sister) in order to justify an unwholesome plan, is childish at best and bully at worst. I used to offer up the fight, the hysteria, profanity, all the essentials for affirmation of my conditions
of unworthiness and emotional instability. Recovery helps me to unlearn that reactive and unwholesome behavior, I have more effective tools now. Fk yeh!
What feels less good than my recovery progress, is the loss of serenity and security for my boys- born out of the unwholesome alliance of my ex and my sister. This deviant arrangement now threatens and taints every future special occasion, for them. And they express concern for their father’s reaction to them showing any signs of discomfort or angst. His efforts toward “presenting” them as HIS pleasing pleasers appears greater than an overall regard for who they are and how they are coping with this needless complexity. His use and disregard for them is not right. When children are required consistently, by those who “love” them, to abandon their reality, they will seek alternative ways for coping. While we cant change the unfortunate genetics, I do believe we are obligated to provide a lifestyle that nurtures their innocence and wholeness. I honestly find this to be so fucked up that two people very concerned with image, find this acceptable behavior….no matter the reasoning—the results are foul. People can see you! Sadly, it is our culture to turn heads and do and say nothing, because that would be interference…and you don’t want to interfere in abuse of children, unless you are a badass.
My boys ask “Why don’t you take him to court?” And I say-because I am not into war and winning. He needs the war and a win. Same as my sister. For people with zero-sum mentality, one winner, one loser is the only way. And to have anyone deny you a “win”(via dismissing your initiatives) makes you wonder if maybe you lost-and are therefore a loser–better bring out the big guns to assert power.
I look forward to recovery which will one day allow me to observe with compassion rather than judgment. Using my children for an unwholesome agenda is too difficult to accept with grace. I find this unacceptable. Kind people do not behave in these ways.
Oh Magda,
I do hope you feel a smidge of relief from sharing, and that you do so without hope or expectation for generations of family dysfunction to be anything different. It seems as though they have collectively made it clear they not only have disinterest, but active resistance. They will never acknowledge your truth because it is not something they have learned to do. Your voice, your story, your refusal to stay in that is too much for them.
What a blessing to your children that you are intentionally learning a better way. It would surely be easier to just go along to get along. I see on your IG feed, you are connecting with others who share your experience. Hearing “Me Too” or “I am sorry for your pain.” is beautiful healing medicine. You are offering that to others by sharing things so “unspeakable”. Warrior on!
Prayers for peace to you all,
T
Good almost-afternoon, my dahling,
Whenever I read your line, “–to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.” I add in my head, “Because it does.”
You know that, and you won’t forget. You are about the most determined member of your “program of recovery” I have met, and of course there are a lot of determined people seeking recovery with all their hearts and strength.
Even working in this program in the feeblest way, however, can do a world of good, so working as hard as you do is going to make your life over from the ground up. Your boys – that is in the balance, isn’t it? I turned into a cynic about my ability to make my children’s lives better when Jer’s life ended, but you need not ever expect such an outcome. As you kids get older, into their sub-teens, keep up the conversation on how much the world needs them, needs young men with their experiences, how their childhood has elevated their worth, not diminished it.
Maybe at some point you will gird up your loins and take that sob to court for all he owes, not you AS MUCH AS his sons. Don’t do that until you are completely ready.
Although your little boys must be central to your life and attention now, as they grow, especially if you perceive them becoming more and more stable, God gave you YOURSELF first, so keep that firmly in mind, and take most and best care of yourself.
I have noticed that, starting out as the world’s least generous woman, I’ve become quite giving, AND as this goes on, I feel better and better about myself.
Maybe an occasional touch of generosity or kindness to your sister, your ex, or the Black Queen could, um, set them back on their heels, and you could relax for a moment?
Here I go off to Amazon to see if I can get a replacement thingie for a defective one – the story of our lives, no?
Extreme Dreams of Love,