Stonewalling is a tactic commonly used by bullies wanting to control, humiliate, and frustrate a target who attempts to resolve a conflict through reasonable discussion or negotiation. Accusations of mental deficiency, harassment, and even bullying, are other typical methods of asserting dominance, intimidating the target, and discouraging objections to the abuse from both victim and bystanders. To the insightful observer, these behaviors reveal the bully’s true motivations.
I cannot help but marvel at the abundance of information on this matter and the unwillingness of so many to consider the validity and the reality of this abuse. I will continue sharing and speaking up. It helps more than it hurts. Speak up. Never feel ashamed when someone is abusive to you. They will be sneaky about it and insistent that it is only your inability to understand or relate to the goodness of them. Alienation and maintenance and denial of conflict are all part of the wizardry. Abusers are elevated by the compliance and silence of bystanders. I believe there are others who need and deserve elevation more–and will even be so grateful as to pay it forward. Abuse is not justifiable. Knowingly taking action and speaking words that harm others, particularly children is FOUL. I can think of no other word–perhaps, criminal.
Published by Magda Gee
I am in a program of recovery for those whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking, drug use, mental illness. I am newly learning faith, hope, and courage, practices not witnessed by me, in my childhood, with my family. Sadly, No Contact, as a last resort, is how I keep safe from diminishing words and actions directed at me. I think I have listened for the last time to how I deserve mistreatment. By holding out for something more wholesome and loving, I have been both banished and demanded to return. I prefer serenity to proximity. I will continue with my program and faith in the best possible outcome, so long as I do my part-- to stalk GOD as if my life depends on it.
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Hi, MG!
MG – I could just start a whole different about the MG of the 50s, especially the British Racing Green ones with wire spoke wheels – but I not only digress, but am not sure I am thinking of the right car.
Bullying and its everlasting techniques. Maybe everlasting is not the right word, but I mean, the methods, motivations and even the subtleties of bullying have been with us since the first human being took it’s first breath. In fact, animals bully other animals, and I have seen a spider doing what looked like bullying to me. It was so primal, if you ever see such a thing you will know what I mean.
What can you do when someone bullies you? Cry. When I was a child, many kids, the older of my 2 younger brothers being their chief, teased me, stole things from me, and generally made me miserable. So I’d cry… it was useless, humiliating, and failed to help in any way.
But something helped me over time. Feeling humiliated, weak and wrong, no matter what the situation, I just couldn’t help thinking over how to protect myself. I don’t know how it worked but it did. Very slowly, I learned from my own experience and that of other people NOT to respond in exactly the same way every time. Eventually I grew a tougher hide.
This took a long time, but I learned to believe in my strengths. If someone made me feel stupid, I could reflect that I was actually very intelligent. If someone made a stupid joke at my expense, I could twist or reflect it back at them, starting with clever jabs like “It takes one to know one” and eventually, “Thank God I don’t have to lower myself to such a level of crassness, stupidity, uncouthness…”, things like that.
As soon as I could defend myself, even crudely, even a tiny bit, I began to grow some self-confidence. I was not such a loser. I did not class myself as a loser or hang out with the losers.
Sometimes I made the rookie mistake of lashing out at my tormentors. Usually a poor choice. Coming as close as possible to ignoring their cruelties took some of the wind out of their sails
Ah well, life’s a bitch and then you die, as my husband used to say. I doubt anybody ever teased him in his life, except his slightly younger step-sister. Since she was also tough enough to deck him, he didn’t give her much trouble.
Now I rely on pretending not to hear as much as anything. One of my favorite confidence builders is to walk after dark. Don’t worry, there are no scary street people around here. When I was very young we lived in a busy part of town and I was not always so fortunate, but I always survived, and I did get stronger.
Don’t give up. Have a bully-busting goal or intention, such as “Living well is the best revenge.” Don’t let it take over your life. Just ignore it when possible.
Interesting, how life doesn’t come with guarantees. You have to fix things yourself. Your HP will give you the power, though.
Dwell on your successes.
Many hugs and a satisfying life be yours, my sweet,
Jayyyyyjay ?
GiiiGiii-
You fucken kill me. Your presence is pure comfort and laughter and connection. Is that too much to want from a mother or sister. Ok, so we are not a good fit, maybe we don’t like or laugh the same. But shit, to have your biggest threats to come from in the home and family you were entrusted to is gut wrenching. I do not give up, I just keep going one day at a time, the No Contact with them helps, but the impossible strain with the boys’ father is very upsetting, not because I give a shit about anything but being good parent team(or at least not enemies) for our children. So interesting to note that when we were close as a couple he was not speaking to his sisters. He could never get along with all of us, and he always went with the easier way and whomever was promising the most. The man has no sense of loyalty—–none. My sister picked some easy prey. He and I have not been ok since the graduation dinner he attended last year for her daughter, in which I was not present and they began planning my son’s birthday dinner without me. It has been nothing but downhill form there. My son’s birthday is this week and the tension between us is illuminated because we can’t work together for a nice gathering for our son. I cannot include the person who chooses to alienate me from my own life. Thank gawd for God and for you and recovery. Your responses and reflections are the highlight of this effing blog. I will keep sharing just so I can have you in this way! You are a survivor and so full of grace and beauty. I love how you own your hardship and humiliation, you laugh at it, learn from it and move the eff on.
xo
MagdaGee