I have received information- more of the sort which I feel unable to accept or change. I feel knocked down. With two little guys that count on me to get back up, I do. Maybe one day, I will do it for myself. For today, I do it for them. I acknowledge difficult times and feeeeeling defeated– AND I model putting one foot in front of the other anyway…stalking GOD as if my life depends on it. I could not do it alone. My day is now brighter as I turn into the light of my Good Orderly Direction and away from the invitation to jump in the ring. I’ve got this!
Today is totally that day.
Thanks for being here. It is better with other WBAs–just soldiering on!
xo
Oh my! I see that we respond differently to the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune! There are reasons for this. There are reasons for everything, but as one spiritual teacher I had said, “That is just a reason. Now. What’s the excuse.”
I found my strength very early, although it grew out of weakness and I felt weak for using this trick. I made myself a chameleon, and took on the color of my background. I got so good at it that people assumed I was one of them. At least sometimes. Sometimes they could see right through me, but often I got away with it. Now I am myself, although still learning what that is.
One thing about having a mean foo is that you will probably outlive at least some of them. You can then safely ignore the others. I mean, the fewer of them there are, the smaller the size of their impact on you.
Let me ask you this. Can you identify inside your body WHERE these persons hurt you, or where you connect to each one or even any of them? My father and I were connected by the brain. Underneath that, we connected at the heart. No farther south than that. Mother and I were closely and tightly joined at the womb, but you know that is the place of hysteria as well as nurturance. Jim, my insane brother, and I were connected by muscles and tears, whatever connection that is.
M and I were connected, joined by a long unbreakable band from just below my belly button to, I assume, the same place on him, although we never talked about it. I don’t know whether he felt so linked to me. Yes, he did. It was complicated. It was mostly sexual, but went deeper in than that.
When it was time to let go, that long, or flexible, line of connection simply disconnected itself, BY itself, and it was over. No more. We still spoke to each other often and passionately (not sex-passion, just interpersonal passion) but we were not joined any more. Foooock that hurt.
Be a BADASS, honey. Be WHOLESOME. You know what it is, you say so all the time. Lying on the floor breathing dust (at my house, there is always dust on the floor. Dogs, you know) and crying because it’s all hopeless. Crying with fury because. Because of THEM. Because of YOURSELF.
BUT, my very dear, you say over and over that your children gave you a new life. Hang onto it. Just say, SCREW crying on the floor. THOSE OTHER people started that. Forget them. They think they have you by – some body part – but they don’t have to. Unhook that line. Find it and just take it off at your end. Let go of the rope. That’s a big saying at my f2f meeting. Let go of the rope. They stand there, holding their end, but the tug of war is over. You are not pulling on your end. That will scare them.
More later. You say, Oh No, NOT MORE.
“you will probably outlive at least some of them.
take more sleeping pills for when you are asleep and more antidepressants when you are awake.” just more! Fantastic.
Dropping the rope. I try but then they pick it up and lasso me with my fucken kids and e whom I cannot ignore. ugh. Thank you for journeying with me for loving me, one who is #Broken Enough To Feel and #Foolish Enough To Share. Maybe that is the book title, the screen play.
I am not connected to these people just tangled up-entanglement-not connection. Yes death does seem an optimistic reality. My sister is just a true cunt.sorry. she just is one nast little honey badger though she thinks she is a swan or gazelle. She showed herself and is struggling to divert attention and cover up.
I am still not entirely off the floor but I feel less flattened. Please stay with me or take me with you if you disappear into true hermitage.