Nothing good has ever come from shame in my life. It never faded on its own, and when I didn’t face it, it made me unwell — and it spilled onto the people around me, especially my children.
Brené Brown describes shame as “an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging… I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” That lands for me. Shame pushes us to hide, pretend, and shape‑shift into whatever we think will keep us safe.
In my experience, shame can make people competitive in strange ways, or even cruel — trying to prove worth by comparison. It blocks humility and courage, the very things needed to own our mistakes and repair harm. Shame keeps us hustling for approval, willing to say or do almost anything to look good, strong, positive, or in control.
It’s wild how shame can make us feel both entitled and worthless at the same time — hot‑shot and piece‑of‑shit, all in one breath. Either way, the result is disconnection. Better‑than or less‑than, but never truly with.
Sometimes shame even looks like arrogance.
It will make us feel terrified – ALL OF TIME – that:
- People know what we are actually like OR
- They will find out
Shame may make us abuse drugs, food, alcohol, shopping, sex—but mostly it will make us abusive…. and cowardly.
Shame tells us that we are not enough and that there is scarcity of all things good–and so we may tend to snatch and grab and withhold.
Shame causes depression, which for some causes even more shame and then maybe self-harm or suicide. OY— To feel ashamed– for feeling sad/alone/depressed–too ashamed to share or to seek help. Hopelessness. I am grateful to have learned about shame and to be recovering, in time to parent my sons in a more gentle and sane way.
I believe….that behind every bad deed and mean word, there is a whole fuck-ton of shame. Shame is a lie, though, thriving only in darkness and secrecy.
While shame is toxic, it is not a life sentence. There is alllllways hope and help. Any 12 Step Program can help us heal our shame issues. When we are Honest, Open, Willing, we can break the cycles and the generational curse of shame.
Also, I do know some precious tender and kind people who suffer from shame. They are always believing that they cause all of the bad things. People with shame tend to be either the bully or the bullied.
