The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
“For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have an abundance.But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.” This is what’s known as the Matthew Effect.Advantages accumulate. Disadvantages compound. Those who start with luck, privilege, resources, or even just a stable home—tend to keep winning.Those who start with trauma, poverty, or pain—tend to keep struggling. And people who keep losing often internalize the idea:“Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m bad.” But it’s…
THERAPIST: So you’re upset that your mom pointed out missed chores and unmet expectations — even after a few consistent weeks of you doing them without reminders? SON: Yeah. I did them for weeks, then missed a few days, and it’s like she forgets everything I did. THERAPIST: Feels like the past effort doesn’t count? SON: Exactly. One mistake, and it’s all erased. THERAPIST: Do you think those weeks should cancel out the fact that you didn’t follow through now? SON: Yeah. I don’t have these…
What if the absence of care was never proof of unworthiness?
Growing up highly sensing neurodivergent, I wasn’t seen as struggling — I was seen as willful and defiant, seeking control and attention with my needs. Survival meant submission — something I never fully understood or mastered — and it cost me dearly just to exist. I was not taught to soothe myself.I was not allowed to understand myself.In fact, my attempts were discouraged — even punished. If I had an uncomfortable or overwhelming feeling, it was regarded disobedience and disrespect.It was…
I do not think it is that I was stubbornly holding onto false hope—I was being actively manipulated, fed contradictions, and caught in a cycle designed to keep me confused. I didn’t choose to ignore reality; I had been conditioned to doubt my own perception of it. Intermittent reinforcement was one of the most powerful psychological traps I experienced. It kept me waiting for our next “good moment,” convincing me that the relationship could be what I was promised it…
