Because my mother is physically and mentally unwell, 84, and in the hospital, I am feeling twisted up inside, as if I should DO something. There is nothing for me to do at this time. My efforts to heal and build trust or connection are either swatted away like a pesky gnat or they go unacknowledged.  I guess swats and dismissals are an improvement from being blasted with heavy artillery of character assasination and accusations of how I deserve abuse or am unworthy of kindness.  This is progress.

Any action I might race into, would be a reaction, intended to alleviate (the lies of) fear, shame, guilt. Those were the tools of control in my childhood and still hard at work in my family of origin. Today, I have faith in a power greater than those and them.  With nothing to prove or to fear, I will wait, pray, and listen with a calm heart, for when it is wise to take action or show up.    Fools rush in. Right?  I have faith and patience and a God that is much bigger than cancer, dysfunction, and mortality.

I love my mother in all the ways she has taught me to, from over-here…and I have the relationship with my sister that my mother encourages us to have.  I am powerless over that.  Mournful and in full acceptance.  It takes two to have a healthy relationship and only one to have another kind.  We all get to be who and how we are.  Deep breaths and contrary action will guide me through this day; one next right thing at a time.  I will no longer be guided by the old gods of FEAR, SHAME, & GUILT.  Faith is my greatest miracle and achievement.  It is my daily practice, not just a
feeling.  How will you practice faith today?