I continue ending my days by saying thank you for the blessings in my life- for each new day between the most recent indignity from my family and me.  It is a bitter-sweet reality to be free of the dynamic.  Recovery changed me at a cellular level, allowing me to unlearn things; like believing it acceptable to attack people’s personalities or character when they disturb me.  What a menacing way to be in the world.  I recall how I would hear a fantastic insult and mentally bookmark it for future use-100% sure that attacking and diminishing were necessary and inevitable responses to disturbance.  I would find someone to blame for my discontent, talk shit about, and go after them.  I forgive myself that♥ . Now that I know better,  I choose to do better and to avoid those behaving in this way.  As an adult, I am free to choose space from the raging of others.  As a mother, it is my responsibility to model practices of recovery and serenity.

I feel positive about my consistent and repeated efforts to meet for resolution….or intent to go NO Contact with my MCR’s, who are generous with damaging words and behaviors towards me.  Not gonna lie, it stings that NO Contact is preferable to resolving.  I cannot recall the last time I called someone a name or tried to diminish them.  Ok–I can, but I don’t feel good about it and it was more than 2 years ago and I didn’t rape him for a shared meal.  I was wrong in the way in which I said what I said.  My attitude was nasty and righteous.  It was a work situation in which I lost my temper and I knew better and made amends later.  For decades, I honestly did NOT know another way.  I had family, friends, boyfriends, and a husband who all do/did this.  I cant change that, but  I do now avoid it.  This is about healing not forgiveness, a concept I am striving to understand more deeply.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I am ready to have lunch with a person who I feel abused by.  It just means the bitterness doesn’t own me, anymore.  Here is a little from Anne Lamott on forgiveness.  She is a spiritual gangsta.  I savor her every word.

My children and I visited Charlotte 5 years ago and were asked to have a “family dinner” inspite of harsh things said one too many times to me.  My sister told me I was awful, mean, a piece of work, and thought of nobody but myself: for responding to the invite with “I am happy to have a family dinner once we address some of the tension.”  She responded seven different ways demanding how “THIS is for mom” and I parroted my previous sentiment each time in response.  When I forwarded my sister’s attacking texts to my mother, her response was “Well no wonder– you kept saying the same thing over and over”.  Again I was told, it serves me right.   I do not accept any justification for attacking others. Period.  I reject that behavior and proximity to it.

I don’t know how much longer my mother will be around or if I will have enough recovery, in her final days, to not say  “I am so sorry that we missed so much time together because we could not resolve.”   I give thanks for another day free from attacks, leaving me present and more patient during our extended school vacation.  It feels good, sane.  I will continue with my morning prayer, seeking help to direct my thinking at elevating the quality of the day.  The shower seems an especially difficult place to keep my thoughts pure.  Maybe I will stop showering. haha.  I will need to be more mindful of each part of my shower that I am grateful for.  Staying vigilant over my thinking is exhausting.

Wholesome thinking is a spiritual practice and 100% Badass!  It is hard work.  Too easy to default to rehearsal and rehashing. With each day of no abuse, I heal.  Healing is for Badasses.