As I watch and try to untangle and make sense of what is happening, I see how those who need to feel admired will frequently and relentlessly cast a person who fails to perform admiration, as being non-redeemable. Again and again, I see it. The person with the injured ego reponds with a campaign to dehumanize that person or group, apparently making it permissible to harm them–moral exclusion. The cycles and legacies of THIS trauma and mental abuse are haunting and I proudly disrupt THEM. My boys’ father is dedicated to doing to our son, as was done to two of his sisters and also me. I will not allow my boy to be reduced in this way, though. That is the difference. That is where the cycle has been broken. My son has a solid ally(several actually), people who support him and believe him and are deply interested when he expresses pain. Neither his aunts nor I had that. He will fare better, for this, and his children will (in the future, obvi), as well. His dad can feel right and mighty all he wants AND, if hurting our son in these traditional / learned ways feels right, deniable or dismissible by him, my son has enough self awareness and self esteem to know he does not earn, deserve, or imagine the pain of that…and also the option to keep a safe distance.
His father is increasingly frustrated by his inability to force our son to engage in chit chat or to pretend or just return. Having his own repeated efforts to bypass acknowledgement of the harm he did, knowingly and repeatedly, for months— denied, is causing observable resentment and frustration. I hate the situation, but I cannot help but celebrate the breaking of THIS cycle. Unfortunately, I am unable to spare our younger son who is being groomed as an ally and supporter for his father(over his brother- see the pattern?), desperate as ever to create the illusion of happiness and connection, all the while causing the exact opposite. It is no wonder he and my female sibling relate strongly—frustrated by those who love themselves more than they admire THEM and boldly dare to say NO.
What a fn mess. I do marvel, watching our older son say No, without volume or profanity or any level of reactivity. What a lil man. He has attempted to have a healing converstation which his father has refused, repeatedly, instead offering/ trying to demand our son return without assurance of something different and better. Literally de ja vu. I asked for an open conversation about what we could do to resolve issues, and it was regarded as a call to war. Threats and attacks on my lil family promptly followed and continued. I honestly cannot imagine what my sister had to say to cast me as so completely non-redeemable. I may never know.
Team Colors in full swing in our little mess of a family. Those who can do no wrong–and the rest of us.
