Breaking the Cycle
As I watch and try to untangle and make sense of what is happening, I see how those who need admiration will frequently and relentlessly cast a person who fails to perform admiration as non-redeemable. Again and again, I see it. The injured ego responds with a campaign to dehumanize that person or group, making it permissible to harm them—moral exclusion.
The cycles and legacies of this trauma and mental abuse are haunting, and I proudly disrupt them.
My boys’ father is dedicated to doing to our son what was done to two of his sisters and to me. I will not allow my son to be reduced in this way. That is the difference. That is where the cycle has been broken.
My son has solid allies—several, actually. People who support him, believe him, and are deeply interested when he expresses pain. Neither his aunts nor I had that. He will fare better because of it. His children will too.
His father can feel right and mighty all he wants. If hurting our son in these traditional, learned ways feels justified, deniable, or dismissible to him, my son has enough self-awareness and self-esteem to know he does not earn, deserve, or imagine that pain. He also has the option to keep a safe distance.
His father is increasingly frustrated by his inability to force our son to engage in chit chat, pretend, or simply return. His repeated efforts to bypass acknowledgment of the harm he knowingly caused, for months, have been denied. That denial is producing visible resentment and frustration.
I hate the situation, but I cannot help celebrating the breaking of this cycle.
Unfortunately, I am unable to spare our younger son, who is being groomed as an ally and supporter for his father—over his brother. Desperate to preserve the illusion of happiness and connection, he repeats the same pattern, while creating the opposite. It is no wonder he and my sister relate strongly—both frustrated by those who love themselves more than they admire them, and who dare to say no.
What a mess.
I marvel at watching our older son say no without volume, profanity, or reactivity. What a little man. He attempted to have a healing conversation, which his father refused repeatedly, instead demanding his return without offering anything different or better. Déjà vu.
When I asked for an open conversation about resolving issues, it was treated as a declaration of war. Threats and attacks on my small family followed and continued.
I cannot imagine what my sister said to cast me as so completely non-redeemable. I may never know.
Team colors remain in full swing in our small family. Those who can do no wrong—and the rest of us.
