Break the Cycle. Starting Now.
To the people who were older, and on whom I relied to teach me about love, trust, and connection:
The messaging—that your encampment in your ways was more important than me—wounded me deeply, from my earliest recollections. It left me believing it made sense to marry a person who would also leave me feeling this way:
Invalid, overwhelmed, panicked, sidelined, benched, discarded, dismissed, denied, anguished, alienated, banished, persecuted, shamed, abandoned, unworthy, alone, non-essential, unprotected, unwelcome, unacceptable, excluded, unchosen, despairing, hopeless, powerless, unwanted, outside, marginalized, insignificant, humiliated, filled with existential dread, ashamed, cursed, broken, unlovable, less than, confused, disconnected, raging, afraid, misunderstood, violated, undesirable, worthless, stunned, disoriented, paralyzed, trapped, inadequate, bizarre, anxious, desperate, lost, separate, naked, ugly, bad, erased.
And I believe you achieved exactly what you intended. You thought I made you sick. But you were already sick. I was deeply affected by that sickness too—only my reaction differed. And that difference meant trouble for me.
My boys’ father, committed to doing only what he has known, may as well hand our sons a gun, a beer bottle, and drugs and say: There. Now go self-soothe, like me and those before me. This is how we do it. Get on board or get out. The price for making waves is higher than you can withstand.
This brand of sickness—family practices of addiction and mental unwellness—fights hard to rule.
My wish is simple: that everyone seeks help and healing, and stops infecting others with this soul-killing curse. Break the cycle. Starting now.
I watch in anguish as my boys’ father behaves in exactly the same ways toward our son as he did toward me, as his father did toward him, and as my mother and sister did toward me. Our son is now unwilling to live with him, speak to him, or visit him.
Punishing and diminishing children who fail to please, satisfy, and revere you is tyranny, not discipline.
Allow children—and people—the dignity to experience life as themselves.
Stop trying to be god and king.
Nobody in my home will be forced to show up and be made to feel erased.
