Harmful behavior converted into evidence about someone else’s character. Blame-shifting, gaslighting, triangulation, smear campaigns, distortion, invalidation, selective accountability, and relational dynamics where reality gets outranked by narrative.
Denial. Deflection. Blame reversal. A recognizable pattern where responsibility somehow keeps finding its way back to you.
A person can know something experientially long before they can articulate it. They might know, for example, “After X is upset with me, I end up confused. I initiate communication thinking I had a legitimate concern, and somehow I leave apologizing and wondering whether I caused everything.” They don’t necessarily have words or concepts to process what happened. Once someone learns concepts like blame-shifting, triangulation, invalidation, double standards, DARVO, conditional approval, or refusal of repair, those concepts can provide handles for examining…
For a long time, I thought if I could just change enough, perform enough, or "get different" enough, the damaging dynamics around me would finally stop. I took on the blame because it was the only script I was handed.
But that is the exact mechanism of shame. It does a fantastic job of making us shrink, but it has a zero percent success rate at actually healing us.
The Sovereignty Tax (My Refusal to Bleed) I am 57 years old, and I am only just now learning the practices of sovereignty and radical neutrality. Until recently, no one who has known me would have thought me even remotely sovereign or neutral- as I was NOT at all. And in a dedicated quest to actually live my life, to inhabit my own actual space, I have poked a few hornets' nests. Different nests, but always an insidious sting. Me…
I am seeking healing in the form of a way to channel all of this old information and energy out of me, so that it doesn’t continue backfiring, making me sicker, sadder, and more afraid. What I long for is a sense of being included, of being called in- to my own life, a community and family. And also to become sovereign - to belong to and take ownership over myself and achieve wholeness and wellness. In both my family…
There have been no times when I have felt more bored and lonely than when I am trying to fit in. Being with people who are not interested to see, know, or hear the actual me, requires little of my interest and all of my energy. Recovery is teaching me about appropriate and healthy trying. Trying is suitable for things which are difficult and in which growth and improvement are the natural and desired outcomes. Is there even a good reason to get…
