Harmful behavior converted into evidence about someone else’s character. Blame-shifting, gaslighting, triangulation, smear campaigns, distortion, invalidation, selective accountability, and relational dynamics where reality gets outranked by narrative.
Resignation is not acceptance-- and with my family of origin, this is especially challenging. The collective action and message which remain consistent from them: "eff you, you are unworthy and bad-- banished, but we will allow your sorry ass if you ever choose to sit at our table with us and accept the blessing of the seat we offer." I just cannot accept that offer....and am failing to extract a better one. My sister insists it is her intent to have our family…
You spot it, you got it.... I was thinking of how I am most irritated by subtle little behaviors in which I assume to know the motivation…so arrogant. And the flip side of that coin is that I am deeply touched by small gestures and behaviors that I assume to know the motivation. The truth of this is, if I recognize a behavior as having meaning, it is because it is familiar and I relate, whether it is good or…
In my upbringing I learned all about shutting down--trying to erase you or at the very least, make you feel erased when you differed from, or maybe even were similar to me, in ways that illuminated my imperfection wrongness. Generous efforts were dedicated to my own erasing of myself---trying hard to not feel what I felt, to not know what I knew, and to not say what needed to be said. I see how it was not possible for me to lovingly relate while concerned with erasing and being erased. Erasures are for…
Dear Mom,
I have confidence that you will find countless, possibly un or subconscious ways to reject me, put me in my place before you are finished with me. I find your support of my sister’s abuse from my earliest memories to be unforgivable. You want peace, maybe a single effort or word, authentically suggestive of healing would be a start. You denied me a loving and safe childhood and now knowingly behave in ways that diminish my serenity as an adult. If your passing, is the only thing to prevent you from harming me further, well that is a devastating truth. I will no longer allow you to cherry pick from my life- denying and attacking the parts you don’t favor and grabbing righteously at the parts that please you. “Low hanging fruits”–keeps coming to mind. (more…)
