The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Last night, Bryan Adams' song "Best Days of Our Lives" played on the radio. For a moment I felt nostalgic, reminded of senior year, summer in particular where we were very actively drinking and chasing boys and good feelings. Then, I remembered, that I was fucken terrified and miserable and always in one of three ways: about to lose my shit for reasons, of which, even I was not certain losing my shit, for reasons, of which, even I was not…
You know, as I reflect back on my first 30 years, I no longer feel overtaken by shame. Shame for immense & unspeakable pain and my inability to manage myself with it and to get a hold of it, to address it, end or resolve it, or at the very least hide it. I do not feel shame for any of that. I feel tremendous sadness for the little girl and young woman who felt disconnected, unworthy and alone from…
People with narcissistic personalities and behaviors often confuse holding a healthy boundary for holding a grudge. It is prudent,healthy, and fair to openly communicate an unavailability for more of the same diminishing behaviors. ?It is too painful. ALSO-It is unwholesome and unkind to attempt shaming and manipulating victims with sentiments like #getoverit ---And believe you,me...I am over IT. Completely. Over feeling like shit because of the divisive things which which I am expected to tolerate. OR--Does “Get over it” actually mean “…
And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith in my potential to thrive—not just to survive what it means to live within my own skin and mind. The cunning and psychopathic game of golden child v. scapegoat is devastating, mostly to the scape goat, though the the designated Golden One will insist they are the victim, because on…
