The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Aaaah Sweet Enlightenment
… after having grown up being told people cause other people’s bad behavior…but not their good behavior. My recovery teaches me otherwise and this quote perfectly reflects recent encounters and connections I have had with people whom I was unkind to…before I knew better. ((( Before learning healthy ways of working through difficult feelings and managing myself– rather than wasting my efforts and will to become worthy of non-abuse connection with the people I was counting on.))) (more…)
So many people get judged when they refuse to put their pain away. They get judged for showing it, for speaking it, for insisting on sharing their memories of abuse with those they know. I am not talking about those who overwhelm strangers with their stuff- I am talking about legitimate sharings with those they are connected with in daily life, including those who abused them. All too often, they are fed one repressive message or another: “Don't look back,”…
So, over lunch, I conducted a survey on my sons and their friends, a highly evolved bunch….of course. I asked: “If you were at school and there were only two plates being served for lunch: 1) highly popular but not what you like and 2) an offering of something far less popular, maybe even unusual (They suggested swordfish) which you liked. What do you choose? You would be seated at the table only with others who chose the same food selection as you.” Brilliant response were as follows: (more…)
For 4 brutal decades, I was distraught over the confusing swings of mood(with me indicated as THE cause) by my mother, sister, and later my husband/now ex-husband. At times there would be eye contact, engaging conversation, and something resembling connection– then long periods of averted eyes and zero acknowledgment when addressed, or a surprising character assassination in response to something from months or even years earlier. Then, compliments, gifts, or initiatives to engage, close on the heels of emotional vacancy or barely contained rage- impossible to discern which. It is too much.
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