Just before relocating to this coast, I was graced with one uniquely precious relationship which offered my rebirth into MY world. This man, whom we shall call Pete, was the first person,ever, in my life to authentically invite and encourage my full expansion and to embrace the things that make me, me.  Encouraging me-to ask for what I like and say no to what I don’t:  food, touching, topics, outings, whatever.  Having felt so ill-fitting in my family, I became addicted to this new way of living and relating.  In the end, Pete explained that he felt called by me, into the light– that he was not ready for the type of vulnerability and honesty that I crave.  Painful irony.  I believe he may fully know the immensity of his gift of loving,direct, and honest explanation for “why?”   The trajectory of my life was forever changed  by my encounter with Sweet Pete.  He illuminated for me a dynamic which has vexed me most of my life.  See, I am wired/programmed to seek love and affirmation from the most highly disapproving and emotionally remote people.  People, whom in the beginning are thrilled by my courage to share and to love so fiercely—and then over time, usually about three months, shift from intrigue to agitation, a call to either reciprocate or slowly, maybe even abruptly back away/disappear.  If I could draw a picture of what this person typically does. It would look like this:  a family member, or a man with one hand motioning me to come in close and with the other hand/arm fully extended to the halt position….simulfuckeentaneously.

Brené Brown clarifies how this way of being(vulnerability and transparency) will make people uncomfortable, even angry, and secretly they will need to shut it down or for us to fail, as proof that living the other way is correct and better. Avoidance of acknowledging my quest to become me has created and widened the gaps in historical relations.   Maybe similar to coming out, in a way—as I imagine for the LGBTQs- where people will claim to tolerate or accept but intentionally avoid looking closely, understanding or engagi
ng, as if by doing so, they might get some ( gayness, or in my case; vulnerability) on them.

So, while my truth seeking mends the fractures within myself and connects me more deeply with Trusted Others, it is dividing me from those who need to deny all that exists behind the curtain.  Having been nearly erased by my family, living out loud feels essential for the moment. I am sure in time, I will quiet down.

http://www.goodlifeproject.com/brene-brown-radio/