Hi Friends,
This eCard is fantastic. My discovery of a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war. Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.
From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress. Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become hysterical, substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help. No. Nope. Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement. It is acceptable for people to say No as needed. Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses. It is too much for others.
My non-coercibility and unwillingness to defend or fight has been collectively assigned the sole cause for our family dysfunction/ fracture-disconnection. Without the fighting and the pretending, there is silence and space. Peace.
Greg and I laugh tons when sharing our most petty needs and limits. Countless fun ways to express them and then of course rehash. He does this always with kindness and grace. It is possible I might, under certain conditions say in what could be considered a harsh tone, something not unlike; “I will lose my shit if you do not stop that” while his natural expression looks like; “I prefer you didn’t do that”. Makes me smile just thinking of him. I cant help but marvel at his gentle, sane, and hysterically funny ways. Here are some more examples. If he is listening to anything on his phone, I will ask if he wants to borrow my earbuds which we both know means: That sound needs to be gone. I was eating chips the other night and the bag was so crinkly and impossible. He was upstairs trying to sleep and texted down to me “Do you want me to get you a bowl for those chips?” meaning ” That sound sux”. Make it stop. Please. I love him so! Wholesome BadAss 150%!
I have little occasion to tell Greg no for too many things because he values my boundaries and my serenity. In the rest of my life, I feel called to say NO to needless complexity and turmoil– unwelcome disruptions to the serenity of my family. No. No thank you. Not at this time. Oh—and my very very favorite of all; “I am sorry, that is not going to work for US”. That one just makes my heart smile. Sometimes, I forget and offer explanation and justification—unnecessary, and in fact damaging, suggestive of a willingness to negotiate. No is not mean. No is a complete sentence! Here, say it with me. “No.” Clear and Healthy Boundaries are for BadAsses.
The current demand is that I show up for the sake of cohesion just for the holidays. My response– an offer to meet and resolve and reconcile, cursed then labelled delusional,dishonest, and unreasonable. If I were capable of pretending or even enduring, I would still be married and not have relocated cross country for more than half of my life. If pretending is all that is on the table. There is no space for me. I am not gifted or willing in this way. 