I’ve been thinking about my ability to participate safely in relationships which are non-essential and technically intended as sources of safe, healthy connection.
Some discord is guaranteed. But sustained and avoided discord is too much for my nervous system.
I am thinking most recently of a neighbor.
From our first exchange, there was something in her energy and the way she communicated that seemed to always be broadcasting some version of a world in which she was right, she knew what was right, and she was beyond comfortable imposing her knowing across the board.
But we were neighbors, and we began connecting around plants and pets, and I found some enjoyment in that.
I laughed in promptly reporting to my therapist that I could enjoy the connection for what it was, and I was confident it would not survive even a little bit of friction or disagreement.
And it didn’t.
Not because I manifested or forecasted it, but because patterns.
And yet I was friendly, present and engaged with her as I would with someone I was interested in getting to know.
She made more than one comment about the medical protocol for my dog which felt judgmental and hurtful. When I initiated her in good faith to say that hurt my feelings and to please not say it again, she pulled out the ledger—immediately cataloguing things I had done or not done before, what I was conflating, why my response wasn’t reasonable and why I was out of line.
I did not respond.
This is another part of the archetype dynamic/pattern I am noticing. The relationship can apparently remain in strained silence indefinitely rather than move toward acknowledgment, closure or repair. And when I don’t beg, argue, persuade or eventually concede in order to get us out of that silence, I can then be identified as the person who ghosted or opted out.
I am increasingly unsure what my other (healthy) option is.
If I tell a personal relationship person that their words or actions impacted me negatively, in order for me to stay, it seems that I need for them to legitimately care. Not agree or comply or even necessarily relate, just care.
I suppose a relationship can seem safe so long as the agreement is that everybody shuts the fuck up, absorbs whatever doesn’t feel good and doesn’t create “burden” or “drama” by bringing up difficult feelings. I don’t think I can be okay inside of that.
I’m intentionally examining what is available when there is friction or rupture. Is there any shared capacity to see it, acknowledge it and engage honestly and kindly with an inntent to repair and restore connection?
Some of my go-to readings on challenging feelings, people and dynamics have been:
On Repentance and Repair by Danya Ruttenberg, The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu, Why Won’t You Apologize?by Harriet Lerner, Rising Strong by Brené Brown and The Relationship Cure by John Gottman.
Have you been in a relationship where you preferred clean, direct communication, short accounts and a mutual interest in addressing whatever comes up, with someone who seems more invested in there being nothing wrong, nothing to discuss—and when you suggest otherwise, THE problem is identified as you, your perception and/or personhood?
