Last week, Ed, my friend from the mountains, visited for our week together and we had such a nice time doing the most basic shit. Yardwork, making food, checking out a farm store, grabbing lunch at cool cafe, watching almost no TV, walking, bathing, and caring for the dogs. Our four dogs are glorious and motley crew – endless sources of laughter and distraction. When Ed and I are together, we enjoy conversations (about only what is right in front of us). I have finally been able to articulate and acknowledge this thing that is missing though. Expansive conversation involving reflection and contemplation. He lacks interest and availability to engage that way. And I will not again, knowingly choose to go without that. We enjoyed six loving , 86% amazing months, and we have now ended it. I absolutely wished it could have developed into more. It was what I needed, until it was clear it wasn’t entirely.
Interesting(to me) to now realize, how in previous relationships, I have always felt haunted by a nagging concern in the very back of my mind, either– that it would last forever or–that it would not. I did not once experience any version of that with Ed. I still have a lot of trauma triggers for feeling abandoned(which I am working on), and am now willing and possibly able to no longer choose to abandon myself in order to sustain “connection” with another.
Below is a list of my must haves (from which I must not stray):
-easy expansive conversation -willingness to show up fully and stay for difficult conversations- humility and courage in the form of laughing easily at ourselves and generously apologizing when we have caused upset, whether knowingly or otherwise- curiosity- expansive thinking and conversation- emotional availability and rigorous honesty- accountability- chemistry (combustible in the bedroom), easy laughter- high and mutual regard for each other’s peace, comfort, joy, satisfaction.
