My sons and I have recently relocated to a family oriented community filled with children and amenities that support connection and ease of access to families and school aged kids in the neighborhood. I was going deeper into debt with each month that passed in our previous home within a small empty nester community, and we were each longing for readily accessible families with children. We are now located in a more remote area within a community that feels right for raising more well connected children. Connection is key– and as children of divorce, with fractured families on both sides, placing them in a rich community environment is the very best that can be done for THEM.
Unsurprisingly, my decision is reported to have agitated the boys’ father– as I did not include him in my process or plans. It is just plain silly to hope for respect for a decision made for my children, which for obvious reasons I made on my own. Because this is a man who historically and still righteously makes choices which result in unnecessary difficulty and stress for us. He insists on the type of partnership where he is afforded a say/authority over my life with zero accountability for the effects and natural consequences for his own actions and choices. Why do I yearn to have him understand my thinking and decision? His behavior is suggestive(understatement) that he honestly does not give a shit about anything but what suits him personally. His emotional coolness and stoicism up against my intensely feeling presence afforded him more freedom to do as he chose, before I found recovery, which taught me to detach, disengage, and let go of his opinions and fear of reprisal. This is the same with my sister. He trained me for her. He is now happily bonded to my family of origin, with whom I have spent the majority of my life in a state of NO CONACT. (Just for today) I will not waste energy detailing the unwholesomeness of this alliance.
The boys’ father shared with our sons, how he researched homes in his area that are comparable in price to our new home, as proof that I could actually afford a home that would be more convenient for him. Oh. Ok. What he cannot see is the main motivation for OUR move—community for our children and a fenced yard for our dogs. THIS is in no way convenient for me, taking us nearly an hour to get to school. And, I accept this burden because it benefits my children to live in an area developed with children in mind, in a home which mommy can afford. I definitely would have preferred to have planned and decided together how to make best life for us all. But his triangulation with my sister renders that improbable. For me, he remains a non-trusted and non-safe other. It would be literally insane to turn to those who diminish me, for support and feedback about important life decisions. This move was based on the boys’ need and right to have access to other children, where previously we had none– and the reality of my finances.
So, it is from those whom are kind and supportive or in some way contributing to the betterment of life for both my sons and me, that feedback is relevant. Spiritually, this feels sound and prudent. I will pray to let go of the opinions and reactions of those who wish to be in charge. Holding on to hope that they can support anything other than their own images and agendas is as futile as it is depressing. Unless a person is willing to consider a third way, there is no conversation to be had, that will go well.
The idea of co-hosting my son’s birthday party next week currently feels sickening. I am grateful to be willing to let him into our home and to share friends and families with him, which previously, I had to protect. I can do hard things. I am maturing in recovery, one day at a time. Together, with you. Doing hard things is wholesome and badass.
