Count your blessings if you find any peace and joy at all from being with family, ever.  Because for those of us who do not, it is very painful.  Holidays illuminate this for US, and do not undo or magically heal the decades of #abuse and #betrayal.  When someone, especially a family member, watches you get the beat down and says and does nothing, the beat down goes from betrayal to slaughter. ?A part of you, so deep inside, that wants to hope and believe in #love and #family, is destroyed. Be grateful if you are fortunate enough to have not experienced or witnessed such an encounter, and recognize how completely unable you are to relate.  Thank God if you are compassionate enough to not minimize and dismiss the ache of those who are not so  blessed, by making comments like “Can’t you just put it behind you, just for this one day? How bad could it be?  You know he/she/they love you.  Nobody is perfect.” True. Maybe true.  But why, on a day that is meant to bring people together should anyone submit themselves to those who either openly diminish them or to those whom are ok with it?  If you are one who believes there is good reason to pretend it did not and does not happen, be kind and share that, only with those who share your sentiments and lack of experience.

I am blessed in many ways this holiday season, grateful for so much.  And yet- the pain ?and reality of this do not vaporize because of what the calendar indicates as a day of togetherness with those whom it is unsafe.?✂️Time changes nothing. Time doesn’t give AF.  Doing the work changes things.

• Nobody earns or deserves abuse, verbal or physical.   People are responsible for their own behavior and words….especially true for adults, unless they are mentally unwell and unable to rectify their behavior.
• There is no such thing as an silent and innocent bystander, with the exception of a small child.

LIES:  What was communicated through speech and behaviors by the adults in my life.  What I learned in my upbringing:

• Love will hurt you and it will be your own fault.
• Who I am, what I feel and say-does not matter.
• Suck up to people if you want something from them.
• Expect people you know and love to treat you badly.
• If I was lovable, none of this would have happened.

What my mother failed to recognize is that I was not just “her problem”, but I was actually my own person, with my own unique wiring and spirit.  She treated me only as a problem to be dealt with.  I will spend the second half of my life unlearning this.  It is bullshit.  And I will not knowingly perpetuate it and hand over these broken pieces of myself directly to my children.  I will not.  It stops here. And for the record, what I share here–is my story, my account of my experience, how I see it and remember it.  It has nothing to do with how anyone else sees or remembers or feels about it.  If it happened to me, it is MINE to share.