Magda Gee, Author at Wholesome Badass

I am sorry that…

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:March 28, 2018
Post category:Acceptance dirty secrets Faith Self-Love Trauma Triangulation & Smear Campaigns

You never apologized for hurting me but I apologized 12 times for how I handled that pain. That is how I was raised…apologizing for causing other people’s unfortunate behaviors, because…

Thank You for Teaching Me

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:March 12, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Intimacy Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

And so I rise from godless, shame-filled decades of anger and despair as I learn and recover from the traumatic effects of the covert abuse dynamics. I am developing faith…

The Legacy of Rage

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:February 21, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Intimacy Mindful Parenting Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma

I contemplated deleting my last post because of all of the evidence of my anger–having difficult feelings is proof of defectiveness in my FOO, and cause for dismissal or debate. In my family of origin, I was the feeler, the over feeler, the overly sensitive one. Unable to mask or deny pain, anger, joy, confusion. I was not shown or taught to effectively manage my emotions in healthy ways. In recovery, I have learned that we cannot selectively numb feelings. Efforts to numb pain also block other feelings like joy and peace. So, I have all of these intense emotions, all of the feels, and I am trying to learn how to feel them AND not be
controlled by them. I am not ashamed of experiencing anger. Though my sometimes reactive behaviors do not elevate my self esteem. What does elevate it, is the practice of reflecting on it and being willing to own and amend what I can. My diminishing words & behavior are a reaction–a

reflection of what is going on inside me in that moment, usually fear can be found at the root. Deep sigh. (more…)

Serves You Right

Post author:Magda Gee
Post published:February 16, 2018
Post category:Acceptance addiction dirty secrets Faith Humor Intimacy Mindful Parenting Self-Love Surviving Narcissistic Abuse Trauma Triangulation & Smear Campaigns

I was raised on this line…frequently when I reported something personally difficult, unpleasant, or painful: physically or emotionally, I was told “serves you right”. The alternative response- a debate aimed at making me believe that I was imagining or misunderstanding my feelings and reality. The comfort was, I also heard they S.Y.R -message directed at all unfortunates in the world “serves them right” –clearly natural consequences for being asshole enough to voice that you might think, want, or feel differently from how my “family” did. So in this way only, I was not unique or alone. And so, I too hated all of them along side my family, and for obvious reasons, this made me lonelier and more terrified of life and people. Shared judgment and hate don’t make for a solid foundation of lasting and meaningful connection. It was not a hopeful point of departure.

I still hear the haunting message “Serves you right” and feel shame for things that would not cause shame for emotionally secure people, raised with a healthy senses of self, security, belonging, and boundaries. (more…)