Safe Distance is not Non-love
Over the summer, we discovered a rather large (imho-6 ft long) black snake in my garage. My boyfriend and I bonded and laughed immensely over our efforts to corral it outside. I notified Greg that if…
Even The Broken Clock is Right Twice a Day
Progress not perfection. Check it out! So, I purchased this can of shaving cream on clearance for $0.48 at 
Food Lion. I bought 5 of them, actually. The one shown in the trash bin was number 4 in my sequence of use. After using only 25% of the product, it stopped putting out(for no good reason…oh wait, is it broken?) I removed the top, and got a teeny tiny bit out. Feeling the weight of the remaining shaving cream–knowing it was in there, dammit, I wanted it, almost to the point of obsession. To avoid being late for appointments, I brought can #5 into play which functions just fine. But– when I am showering without time limitation, I sit on that shower bench and work haaard, holding the can every which way, blasting it with hot water, using a safety pin to clear the valve, turning the dispenser top. Total bullshit insanity. But wait– 4 out of 27 times I have managed to extract just enough to shave an armpit, re-enforcing for me that maaaaybe, if I try hard enough, I can get just a little bit of what I need. I know it is there. Aaah, the broken effing clock strikes again.
Today was a turning point. Whatever shaving cream I squeeze from the can is not worth the effort. It s broken, not a reflection of my brokenness. There are other cans—that work!! Honestly, that shitty purple can mocked me from the shower ledge. I felt like a loser for– a) buying it b) not being able to make it work c) trying too hard d) giving up. This is a fantastic metaphor for my entanglement with my MCRs. It is not necessary or healthy to try so hard to get what I need. Letting go is not losing, it is making way for what works. Let go or be dragged, right? Oh….The broken clock in its many forms!
Tryyyyying too hard, that is a sign that I am forcing or denying, relying on willful determination. My need to tryyyyyy in this way can be traced back to my fears of scarcity and unworthiness. But those, those are the lies and myths. There is plenty of what is needed and I am totally worthy. I am not great at everything,clearly, but I am nearly perfect at trying every day to do better than I did the day before. Making better mistakes today than yesterday is for BadAsses. Forcing and fearing is for bad asses. (more…)
What We Focus on Grows
Today, I read.I interview. I explore career paths and interests. I am discovering that my strengths while not remarkable, are in writing, operational procedures, logistics, and configuration management. I find deep and lasting satisfaction and effectiveness when I am engaged in these ways. I am energized.
I MUST resume a more wholesome direction- away from efforts and obsession to make things of 50 years be different. Beneath my despair and grief of the family I never had, there is the energy of who I really am, right there with my unique gifts, to enjoy, expand, and to share. I will be intentional today. What I focus on grows. (more…)
No is a complete sentence.
Hi Friends,
This eCard is fantastic. My discovery of a calm “no”, for my ex and family of origin is new behavior- and can be counted on either to be ignored or to incite war. Dismissal and reprisal are reminders that it is best for me to limit proximity to anyone feeling inclined to diminish or dominate in these ways.
From me, a definitive NO without anger, profanity, fear, or volume is progress. Though apparently, it is confusing for those insistent on always being right — accustomed to provoking me until I lose it and become hysterical, substantiatng my need for unkindness or mental help. No. Nope. Ah,Ah. Ok, sorry that won’t work out but let’s work together for a better arrangement. It is acceptable for people to say No as needed. Honoring boundaries is for BadAsses. It is too much for others.
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