The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
I will not be a person who instructs another to smile. What even is that? To me, that feels unwholesome--- unsafe. I prefer an authentically non-plussed person over a curated smile-wearer or a tone policing controller, directing people on how to arrange their faces. That behavior is not unlike insisting a person wear a jacket when they are not cold. It is aggressive and inappropriate, not happy and not mellow-chill, at all. Also, I do not trust a person who…
As a child and young adult I had not known that I possessed any agency over the trajectory of my life. It seemed pre-determined. In the place of connection and purpose, I felt helpless and hopeless shame & guilt-- for things over which I had no control - and - which burdened and agitated others(which also apparently justified unkindness): My extreme sensitivity (to emotional and sensory stimulus) with no guidance or support in times of overwhelmMy skin color and shape of my…
I was thinking how little I have in common with my family of origin. And then I realized HEY: for most of my life, we did actually have ONE thing in common. None of us had been taught or allowed to navigate or articulate our full human emotional experiences. Fortunately, the SKILLS, for honestly and safely connecting, can be intentionally cultivated and practiced as adults, if they are not modeled and learned in childhood. I learn them by studying and practicing the Twelve…
To be introverted means that I prefer solitude and derive energy from quiet time, alone. I don’t completely hate socializing, but it is often too much for me and reuires days of space to recover. I would not ever favor a social or group activity over something with another person or two, or by myself. I am depleted by interactions, even with my most favorite people. I neither love nor hate this about myself. I accept it, mostly without judgment, which allows me…
