The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Stonewalling and gaslighting feel like techniques intended to erase a person. To obliterate their spirit. Stonewalling is a tactic used to control, isolate, humiliate, and frustrate someone for attempting to address conflict. It asserts dominance by refusing communication, stalling, or evading. Sometimes the target is accused of being mentally deficient, harassing, or abusive—simply for asking questions or seeking resolution. The message is clear: your voice is unwelcome. Your reality is inconvenient. Gaslighting is manipulation intended to make someone doubt their…
My steady refusal of gifts and staged harmony—in place of healing, repair, and honest connection—made something clear: I was no longer willing to bypass necessary mending. Real healing would have required acknowledgment of pain caused and pain felt. In my family of origin, denial of pain posed as strength and moral superiority. I no longer believe that. There is a lot of pain. My mother and sister quickly informed others of my unreasonable, grudge-holding, hostile abstinence. Why would I not…
Torture—unlike abuse, which is often spontaneous and unintentional, though still scarring—is premeditated. It is designed to methodically dismantle a person’s identity and humanity. To destroy safety. To diminish hope for connection and belonging. By this definition, our country has deliberately legislated, legalized, and tolerated the systematic torture and terror of our Black brothers and sisters. When the very people entrusted to protect are also empowered to harm, that is terrorism. Lawmakers. Government officials. Judges. Police officers. Prison guards. Systems, not…
I was born with un-white skin, a foreign name, one Middle Eastern Muslim parent, and one Agnostic Jewish parent. Later, bussed across town to the “black school” in the name of segregation, I experienced rejection on all sides. From white peers, because I was not white or Christian. From Black peers—(what language even fits here? “Blacks” feels blunt, “Negroes” feels distant and pretentious, and “African American” reads like forced political correctness)—I sensed hostility for my whiteness. Threats like, “Ima beat your…
