The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Thoughtful Cruelty I obssess reflect often on how my reactions to trauma—my insecurity, shame, and depression—were treated harshly by the very people I depended on. I was openly and collectively labeled as negative and difficult, as if that somehow justified diminishing me and showing me all the ways I didn’t count. That trauma lasted for decades. I also acknowledge that I carried my unhealed trauma into the world and tried to flip the script—trying to be the one in control,…
Artificial Indifference Artificial Indifference. Finally—a name for the thing that was sought, feigned, and revered in my family, and later in an equally dysfunctional marriage. I see my younger son trying to develop this same vibe. We jokingly call it “Bro Bro” or “Chad” whenever he slips into that “whatever” tone, blank face, and flat energy—right in moments when something is deeply affecting him or someone else. He refuses to acknowledge any struggle or discomfort, his or anybody’s. What the…
I forgive myself.
Recognizing my own trauma has helped me understand how my reactions once served as proof of “insanity” and lack of credibility—for the people who needed me to be seen that way, and even for those who didn’t. A non‑emoting, unreactive person could do anything to me and then deny it, calling me crazy or a liar. And every time I melted down in response to something nobody else witnessed—often something from the past that wasn’t clearly connected to the present—I…
Risk Taking Mistake Making Since my ears react instantly and aggressively to even the highest‑grade metals, I stopped wearing earrings for years. But suddenly, I felt the need for earrings again. And in the way I do anything I feel compelled to do, I went all in—fast and hard. Fools rush in, right? I ordered several pairs of surgical‑grade titanium studs. Once all my old piercings were filled and no longer itchy, red, or inflamed, I wanted more holes for…
