The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Wrong Beliefs- A Mother's Day Post Nothing broke me down more than believing the wrong beliefs handed to me by the very people I counted on to teach me and lift me up. The shared, openly communicated disdain in my family was crushing. “Magda is wrong, bad, broken, crazy, incapable, and unworthy of kindness, consideration, care, belonging, acceptance, protection, connection…” Her sensitivity makes her impossible to love or even listen to. If she would just hide or erase that part…
Without religion, spirituality, or even firsthand experience, Sweet Greg shows a kind of acceptance and unconditional love that feels almost like wizardry. He never expects gratitude in the form of joy, ease, or emotional availability. He accepts—without needing to fully understand—that my depression isn’t about him or the present moment. Depression isn’t anger, a mood, sadness, or ingratitude. It’s brain chemistry. And while it would be easy to misinterpret or judge, he doesn’t. For me, depression strips away wanting or…
Trying to not feel hot, cold, anxious, or hungry since nobody else is and it is clearly the wrong way to feel. Trying to be like others. Trying to not be me. Trying to figure out who I am without all of the trying. Trying to love me. Trying to love you. I am so fucking tired. Trying to gratitude my pain away. Trying constantly to feel or not feel a thing has been a direct route to depression-numbness. I made it. I feel nothing. My favorite thing…
Even with 10+ years of recovery and spiritual retrieval work (though lately, the doing of the work is minimal and I find myself right back in survival mode), I continue to lose hours and nights of sleep- rehashing theories on why my sister did what she did, TO me. I recognize that my neeeeed to understand is a clever way of owning that I will not fully surrender/accept what has happened, repeatedly. Mentally, I am ready to move TF on, but emotionally, I…
