The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
Last week as I relished a much-needed break from being used, taken advantage of, I was able to feel a smidge of compassion for the BF(boys' father). Mercy and compassion are large parts of my spiritual striving and development. They evade me utterly though, when in the midst of abuse which persists, and from which I cannot extricate or separate myself. I read stories of people who forgive murderers, rapists, and molesters, once they are behind bars. I get how it is possible to forgive…
I left our last wrestling match feeling discouraged by my boys' attitudes and conduct, recognizing OUR need for guidance on how to be solid citizens, teammates, and contributors. I am not disturbed that they do not know what they could not know-- but that their father and I have diverging values and desires for them. I would like to raise humans who strive for humility and grace. I experience their father as preferring poise, grim determination, and force, which, to…
I am powerless over people, places, and things.
I have definitely lost touch with my higher power, indicated by my obsessive and anxious rehearsing and rehashing, the afterburn of having stood up for myself. Today, I must journal hard-- about all of the things, over which I remain powerless. In my powerlessness, is my freedom. When I rely on my faith and recovery, my anxiety wanes and the quality of my life is elevated: AND I am able to rest peacefully in the satisfaction that my side of…
I was raised by people who did not believe in apologies or examining of their behaviors, deeply rooted in a sense of perpetual rightness. Why change when you are already right? Noticeably Affected People were expected to independently get over whatever it was that bothered or wounded them in the first place--Quit being so sensitive and rehashing the past. Sheesh- It is tiring to walk on eggshells with her every time she is dismissed or diminished. Unreasoanble. The system elected…
