The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
“You can't make me and neither can I.” I am almost finished with Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies and this line really stayed with me. ???Hard truth. Discipline over my thinking is a daily struggle. I think as a result of having my reality challenged, debated, and dismissed for most of my life. I became obsessed with trying to prove my truths and adamantly resistant to those who insisted on trying to dictate my reality-- and ultimately also gave up on self-discipline. The only…
I intend to end this year of insanity, by allowing my mother's recent passing to mark the end of my active attachment to a system which has collectively rejected me from my earliest days. The ways in which I differ, they cannot understand, respect, OR control. I officially accept my rejection. Being excluded from the details of my mother’s death and the memorial service, is perhaps what I needed to be 100% certain. I accept my powerlessness over the fact of their impeccably…
I prioritize the closeness and connection of my chosen relationships, holding zero regard for an illusion or status of having said "relationship". Life is both too long and too short to pretend. I have many swirling thoughts in need of sifting, from the last weeks of church and today's meeting. For now I have time and energy only to share a reading from my program of recovery, which is front and foremost on my mind. A brief study of some…
Thank Good Gawd Almighty for the most marvelous friend ---who loves family, God, selfies, presents, fun, joy, travel, celebrating, and even me--- to the end of the earth and back, she loves me. Crying as I type that, because it is so damn special, the friendship that we enjoy. Truly BFFs! Yesterday was my 50th. For my special day, I planned to run a time consuming and far away errand (the result of a 80 mile round trip drive to get…
