No Dimmer Switch

I feel everything the most amount—the good and the unpleasant—constantly.

Everything in high definition.

I am a deep feeler, or as the archetype likes to say: thin-skinned, overly sensitive.

Not a crime. Not a defect. But not an easy way to be in the world.

From my tiniest days, I recall feeling inconsolably rattled, navigating my tightly wound nervous system and sensitive disposition with no guidance, knowledge, language, or skill set for any of it.

I cannot recall another version of myself underneath it all – who ever felt secure, grounded, safe, and not overwhelmed.

That has been my baseline.

It is not a great point of departure.

Billed to Me

I was raised to believe that other people’s harsh behavior spoke directly to the quality of my person, my character, and my worth.

Which was terribly confusing, because I was also often scolded for asking if a person was upset with me, “Not everything is about you.”

And yet other people’s unfavorable moods and behaviors were consistently billed to me or altogether denied.

So… difficult moods and feelings—mine and theirs—were my responsibility. And no clue how to manage that. Painfully aware: I was constantly and undeniably failing.

While nobody taught or encouraged me to know, soothe, value, or care for myself, I was expected to read, anticipate, prevent, and manage other people’s difficult feelings.

So many times, blood relatives would demand in a menacing tone, “What are you so angry about?”

But it was not a genuine inquiry. It was a callout: look at you, with that massive chink in your armor. Feel ashamed and pipe down or else.

There is real sadness in looking back and realizing how much unmanaged, daily compounded stress was attributed exclusively to my “poor character.”

I spent more than forty years trying to do the impossible thing of getting different and becoming someone else. My only ambition.

What a tragic fucken waste. Stripped of any potential to self-actualize.

The Familiar

And having been been handled like a piece of literal shit—a poopy diaper—I did not instinctively seek nourishing and affirming relationships.

I had learned that love looked like people who genuinely were not FOR me—unless and only when I was useful to them.

This explains so much.

At many levels, I believe the only thing I shared in common with my family of origin was that we all held me in the lowest regard.

That is hard to reconcile.

And tragically, my only direction was toward the familiar.

Ooof.

Decades of trying to feel better, by any means possible, without really knowing what I was trying to feel better from.

From being a shiftless piece of shit??

There is literally no relief from that.

I mistook random positive intermittent reinforcement for kindness and brought that out into the world with me as the love I sought.

And sometimes the love I gave.

I hate that.

Better Information

I am proud to have interrupted that cycle, that I did not hand that poison directly to my sons.

No matter what is said about me, it cannot be denied that I rode faithfully for my children.

Without exception.

Maybe not perfectly or without pain to them, but with fierce loyalty and constant sacrifice.

In learning about trauma and nervous systems. Neglect. Generational abuse. Coercive abuse. Scapegoating. Triangulation. Attachment, fear, compulsion. I recognize how I confused what was recognizable with what was safe and acceptable. For and from myself.

Agency

With better information now, I get to experience something that for so long eluded me: agency—where I carefully consider who, what, how, and when to engage, and whether engagement is even required or prudent.

Writing helps me recognize and organize all of the me’s inside of me—with no intent to prosecute my past or acquit any of my me’s.

I work tirelessly to untangle my myths and misconceptions about myself, love, connection, and kindness.

It is a true miracle to have grown into the loving, honest, dependable, funny, compassionate, and loyal woman I am.

And this is also true: I have not always known how to move in these ways—or how to move with people who equally value them.

First the unlearning.

The shit before the shift, I guess.

What were you led to believe about yourself because of the way someone else treated you? And do you still belive it?