I recorded this the morning of my mother’s funeral. I had been given less than 24 hours notice of the service.
Before I knew my mother had died, the boys told me their dad had taken time off work to shop for something to wear to a funeral. They understood that a woman from his work had died and that he planned to take them with him.
I didn’t think much of it. Why would I?
Then, the day before the funeral, one of my mother’s caregivers contacted me.
My mother had died.
Her funeral was the next day.
When I arrived, the boys’ father was there.
We had been married for maybe seven years and had been navigating a high-conflict divorce for years by then, yet a female sibling chose to list him in my mother’s obituary as her son-in-law.
There had never been some independent relationship between my mother and my former husband that continued after our marriage ended. She knew him through me. She had also watched me return with our children after the marriage ended and had repeatedly helped me financially through periods of instability surrounding child support, childcare, and the basic logistics of raising the boys.
I don’t know what conversations happened outside my presence. I don’t know who contacted whom or what anyone privately intended.
I know what happened.
Before I knew my mother was dead, my children knew their father was taking them to a funeral. They believed it was for a woman from his work.
The following day, I learned the truth.
And on that very day, I recorded myself talking about what I feared this developing alignment could eventually ask of my children.
I was afraid they were being placed in a structure in which belonging might eventually require choosing.
I cannot imagine a scenario in which children benefit from one parent being removed, erased, or diminished in order to solidify their connection to the other.
Years later, I find the video.
There I was, before I knew how any of this would unfold, already seeing the pattern.
Whatever else may be true, this also happened.
