The patterns I still carry, the ways old experiences can show up in the present, and my effort to sort out what I am remembering from what is actually happening now. Recovery, pattern recognition, regulation, and slowly gathering new evidence.
"Are you seriously still talking about it?” I came to view punishment and shame as logical, natural consequences of being different or displeasing. A great and collective effort was dedicated to reducing me to a more manageable situation. It’s hard to discern which was more demoralizing—being demeaned or being ignored, shunned in that Amish‑style way. I cannot believe I still get to be with Sweet Greg (nearly seven years), who would never consider diminishing, ignoring, or abandoning me. This relationship…
Breaking the Cycle As I watch and try to untangle and make sense of what is happening, I see how those who need admiration will frequently and relentlessly cast a person who fails to perform admiration as non-redeemable. Again and again, I see it. The injured ego responds with a campaign to dehumanize that person or group, making it permissible to harm them—moral exclusion. The cycles and legacies of this trauma and mental abuse are haunting, and I proudly disrupt…
There are Some Good Things We live in a nice, cute, safe home—one I can afford. My boys are able-bodied, able-minded, and excellent in countless ways. They are creative, strong, bright, fun, and funny as hell. We are held by the steady love of Sweet Greg and Favorite and her family—on special days, in crises, and best of all, on the ordinary days in between. They remain unshakable sources of goodness, comfort, and laughter. We also have the good fortune…
Imagine a struggling child—or really any person—whose parent communicates, in no uncertain terms: “Nobody can or wants to relate to you or help build a bridge to where you are.” Subtext: You are bad and alone. By your own defectiveness and doing, you are on the wrong side of the gap that separates you from us—the royal we. It is up to you, alone, to fix it. Or deny it. Or hide it. Or pay the price. But we will…
