There’s a deviant cruelty in having it said that you “got what you deserved.” Who even thinks like that? (Clears throat.)

When I question the unequal terms of a relationship or ask for mutual consideration, the focus shifts from my concerns to how I’m showing an emotional reaction. My “intensity” is condemned, and my requests for change and repair are dismissed as manufacturing chaos. My credibility is systematically dismantled, while the unequal terms themselves go unexamined. Disqualified.

And I am repeatedly (seriously, repeatedly) told, “You are welcome to join, provided you change,” while simultaneously being assured that such change is unlikely.

Something astonishing happened when I healed enough to stop providing the convenient distraction of my large emotional reactions: rather than easing the conflict, the pressure intensified. Without my dysregulation to focus on, the very dynamics I had been questioning became difficult to ignore.

Requesting mutually healthy terms and finally having enough self-esteem to refuse being disregarded or diminished is characterized as having “opted out.” As though I unilaterally chose to abandon a perfectly good relationship rather than asking whether we could find a way forward that works for us both.

The estrangement that follows is framed as the natural consequence of “my choice.” Even hostility is justified as something my supposed deficiencies made necessary. If only I were different, they wouldn’t have to treat me this way.

It’s fkn bananas. 🍌