I don’t really get it.  How is it ever better for relationships and trust, to rely on indirect communication for genuine understanding of needs, wants, desires, feelings?  I seriously hate that shit… It is only acceptable to me, when done with someone whom I trust and we get to call it out and laugh about it-TOGETHER.  That is the whole point of relationships, right–the together part?  Connection? When something feels unpleasant, unfair, or upsetting, what is wrong with: “Hey, I don’t like that or that makes me uncomfortable”?  Is it too vulnerable, maybe presenting the other person a chance to honestly show you what matters more, your comfort or them getting to do the thing they are doing?  Or is it some statement of imperfection or defectiveness to have a need or to feel uncomfortable?  And so what if it is?  I may never get this. Here are some fun examples of playfully indirect communication with Greg, as we mutually value and rely on direct communication.  With sensory issues through the roof, I experience the sound quality of iPhone speaker, even on low volume, to be stressful.  So, when he elects to listen to a video or podcast using speaker,  I laugh and say “Hey, want to borrow my earbuds?”  He laughs back and says “Nah, I’m good”.  Then he grabs his earbuds and we laugh and smooch.  Intentionally indirect communication would be me throwing a face, sighing deeply, expecting him to KNOW and revere my discomfort, or to ask me what is wrong.  So I could be all: “nothing”, resenting him for not being a mind reader who knows and loves me as completely as I deserve…. and then becoming cold and withdrawn for an incalculable amount of time, while escalating tension by denying any issue at all.

Because we have recovery in our home, we get to practice clarifying, for ourselves and each other, the difference between unpleasant facts and problems.  Before recovery, I believed if something was unpleasant, it was a problem and I must work on it–to change it and make it be different or at the very least punish and demonstrate my discontent.  So, that was fun, living that way.  Now, with a program to reparent me, I have learned that  actual problems have solutions.  Unpleasant facts do not—people, places, things, circumstances not to my own design and specifications  are to be handled with only acceptance because they are what they are.  Acceptance, for me, is the practice of allowing things to be, not a feeling that I like or condone it, but that I may be disturbed and still choose to act right, anyway.  I accept the reality of ITs existence and my powerlessness to make it be different from how it is. Problems have solutions.  No solution–no problem.   Sometimes it is clear which actions are called for. But, until it is clear, I get to be still mentally (keep my mind and mitts off!) and once there is recognizable prudent action, toward solution or resolution, only then may I act.  When my heart is racing, that is not the time to do or decide anything.  That is the time to stop doing and saying all of the things I naturally say and do. Racing heart tells me that I am in fear and I am being reactive. Now I understand that I must do nothing out of fear, shame, or guilt…previously, my only motivators.  They are not good guides. Lately, in our home, we have been discussing bullying…trying to clarify the distinction between things which we must accept and those for which more than acceptance is required of us.  See, for example jerks are people who just don’t give AF about anyone but themselves.  They may not necessarily be jerks AT us— and being a jerk is not a crime or a problem, just upsetting…so we must accept.  A bully, however, is concerned with what certain others think and feel.  Bullies thrive on doing things to make others feel impressed(awkwardly trying to elevate the already elevated) or diminishing those already diminished–a need to PUT PEOPLE IN THEIR PLACE.  They are intentional in what they say and do and have a desired affect in mind, where the jerk just does NOT effing care.  Bullies are a problem to be dealt with.  Currently, we are in the stages of defining what is and is not bullying and harassing.  We will neither do it nor stand for it.  The word bullying seems to have gotten pigeon-holed into easily observable behaviors, but it is much more subtle than physically or verbally going after someone directly.  There are many indirect ways to attack, dehumanize & do damage and then be all:  “what???, i didn’t touch him or I didn’t say anything to him”.  We are onto that!  We see YOU.  We object! We had a family meeting this week, all of us, Dad, boys, and me.  That is a amaaaaazing.  We agreed that kindness and loyalty are our family rule.  Violation will have consequences.  We do not get to choose our feelings.  But we can always choose our behavior and our intentions.  Our intentions are to look out for each other, first.  Always.  Period.  The irony of this convo involving their father is not lost on any of us.  Let’s see if we can each practice what we preach.  The boys were first nervous about this family meeting and then clearly felt good about having mom and dad working as a team for them.  Just for today, we are working together.  Another miracle for which to be grateful. And– this time of unity feels tricky, because I tend to fall into the thinking of –this is the new forever—either when he is being harmful to me or decent to me.  I honestly never know why things get better or worse, I just see that  they do and that it is not ever my job to tell him about himself or to try too hard to make things be different.  We are divorced—irreconcilable differences 100%.  Hard times happen…when I see my part, I make it right.  When it is not about me, I have to let it be…and that is difficult.  I am easily obsessed with things that frighten, confuse, or sadden me. All this to say that–All unpleasant things fall into one of two categories, problem Or unpleasant fact.  I find this to be helpful and wanted to share.  Because also, I used to think when IT(life) is difficult, it is a result and proof of of being wrong or doing it wrong…but life is just fucken hard.  Right?  And it is easier to live life when we are not trying to change things we can not.  I think it is called minding our own business–not in the hostile and unwholesome directive to “mind your own beeswax” way-but simply tending(trying to manage and control) ONLY to what is ours, and leaving the rest be.  

It is horrifying to look back over my life and to reflect on the countless times in which I felt either so indisputably right OR so completely wrong,bad,worthless; like–there was zero gray area between arrogance and humiliation.  Recovery offers me the gifts of humility, faith(the opposite of knowing), and feeds my hunger for constant spiritual striving and expansion.  Before recovery, I had only internalized the dynamic of zero-sum game;  one winner and one loser.  In this dynamic, there is no peace, just victory which usually felt shitty and defeat which consistently  felt shittier. For me, being human and living this life on earth is all about the learning, expanding, and seeking—to make better mistakes today than yesterday.  I will always make mistakes, but that does not make me wrong or defective.  Amending harmful behavior is also something recovery has taught me.  I need not fight or defend, ever.  Where I have done harm (not the same as displeasing…I reserve the right to displease), I may amend.  If I have not done harm, nothing to defend or amend. For so long, I had believed that being displeasing could only be a manifestation of defectiveness or attack.  That is seriously deranged.  So grateful for all of the unlearning.  It is nobody’s job to please another person, outside of employment and terms of service in transactional relations. The past 10 years have offered the greatest teaching and learning experiences. Better late than never. Right? Before recovery and divorce(which began on the same day), I had neither observed nor understood: the practice of amending AND that—Refusing to EVER say something about someone that you wouldn’t say in front of them is the highest form of living. It is true cause for celebration (if I were a celebratey type) to be practicing higher living with space from those who practice otherwise. Not so much because I am better than them, just that I do not yet possess resilience to that sort of energy. I am still too deeply affected by incongruous words and actions of others, which I refer to as bullshit and needless complexity.  If there is one thing I am now certain of it is that Kindness is always right.  And cruelty is always wrong.  Harming others is never acceptable, according to the program in which I belong.

Why is the requirement to behave with loyalty towards his brother deeply offensive to my younger son? He enjoys his firm command over an arsenal of typically subtle tactics, to make big brother feel sad, confused, or embarrassed—  Little brother is furious with me for requiring loyalty or at least non-malevolence.   He does THIS only to his brother(and me).  And he uses semantics to argue his rightness….Like:  “Oh well, you didn’t say I couldn’t do it in this game or in this place or with these people, specifically…I thought you just meant dodgeball.”  Yeh, ok, be a loyal brother in dodgeball but behaving like a diminishing little shit, anywhere else is fine.   So, like a true raging psycho, I created and shared a list of every person place or thing on earth, in which loyalty is expected and then I even offered condescending examples of “how it works”.  Super spiritual behavior. I see the pain he inflicts on his brother, and feel the gravity of the gift of getting to hear directly and promptly from big brother, what IT does to him–  affording me the opportunity hold space, empathize, listen, and then impose my overly-emotional attempts to address the behavior without dividing my sons further from each other.  This seems more than just classic sibling rivalry and I am deeply concerned for each of them.  I want them to belong to each other.  Two years ago, they did.  100% What happened?  What flipped the switch?   Oh, wait.  I think I might know.  We do learn what we live. Right now, my greatest concern is how poorly I am handling the situation.  It is too familiar, too close to home.  Terrifying to imagine them carrying the legacy  of their father and me– each having a sibling with whom we do not speak.