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Purpose, Belonging, Direction

I read a quote today which has me weeping. I’m weeping all the time anyway just about over every single song and everything reminding me of all the love I have missed, all the love that was not recieved or welcome, all the love I failed to feel or effectively communicate, all the love I wished I knew. The love for my sons which has beeen fierce, loyal, protective and still not enough to keep them close to me. While loving me may not be easy, it will also be a wildly unpopular choice for them to make in the midst of their “family”. The quote says this: I must lose myself in action lest I wither in despair. I am painfully (always the pain) aware of my hunger for a meaningful pursuit and direction and in that pursuit and direction, I may find a sense of belonging and connection and purpose to help me sew together the hours each day between the things which must be done. In those times between the things I’m required to do. I feel lost and distraught and I lie down … run down the clock of my life because I don’t know what else to do. This is a difficult way to exist -it’s humiliating and demoralizing to feel lost untethered all of the time. Still, as I have my entire life. I have wasted my life trying to become or at least appear different, to be not me, so that maybe just maybe I could be worthy of connection and belonging. It was a requirement I could not meet. It destroyed me, like literally decimated my ability to self actualize. In these last five months of more than a hundred medical visits and medication’s – being physically and mentally disabled – feeling both adrenalized and paralyzed simultaneously- around the clock. I have wanted to be dead. It’s all I’ve wanted – to get gone. Because I don’t have a purpose – I don’t have a plan. I don’t have a direction and I certainly don’t have anything or anyone to which I feel I belong. I did used to belong to a gym and my job and now, not even those. And for some months, I felt I belonged to and with him. Hearing these songs today felt crushing – The Goodness of God by CeCe Winans and LeAnn Rimes – How do I and Leann Rimes- I Need You and then another song called Fighting For Me, by Riley Clemons. Each of these songs – about durable, and undeniable love; to count on and fall into, lean into, crash into – I’ve not had that – not from my mother or my father or sister, any member of my family, certainly not from the man I married. And I feel like I experience this love now -but it is a lie. I have a relationship and I like to call it complicated but actually it’s not complicated. He once claimed to desire a future with me and now he does not. He is my everything. He has loved me more and better than anybody has ever loved me. He listens, he hears, he comforts, he celebrates, he cheers me. He holds and shelters me. And I can’t imagine living without this. But at the same time, I’ve lived my whole life without it. I need him in ways which are unreasonable- or are they? He’s a best friend, he is family, he is my lover. He is my everything, but it is no longer mutual and I continue to hold on tight and he continues to let me. I am working with therapistS and trying to resolve/reconcile my reality – the pain and the grief of this, and all of the trauma which launched me into this exact space that I am in. I am working hard to heal my body, my mind, my spirit. How could I have possibly learned the things about myself- like what I like or what I’m good at or what would satisfy, nurture and fuel me? I must dig out that information – excavate it from beneath decades of trauma, betrayal, abandonment, the grief of never having been well loved, and taking that quite personally. And the lie of believing I was unworthy and incapable. And now, I have this one person whom I love desperately (of course) and rely on – as my everything and I can’t fault him for not wanting me or this forever. I also do not want me or this forever. Who would? I have a lot to recover from. Why must Earth life be so difficult? THIS, according to my therapeutic team is tied to my negative core beliefs. I see how that could be. What a cycle. When people in my life collectively decided I’m “bad,” interpreting my struggles as evidence of my wrongness, they see inflicting more hardship as a natural consequence—reflective only of their own ego-driven need to punish, rather than insecurity or retaliation. This fkn cycle, where I am scapegoated – trapped in a constant state of hurt and disempowerment. Feling affirmed in that each difficult and painful thing is proof only of my badness.

Just Shut Up

The messages from my family of origin were unmistakable: “We will not show empathy or understanding for your perspective. In response to what we perceive as distortions, we will only offer defense, attack, blame, and relentless conflict.” All I ever wanted to hear was: “Even if I can’t fix your grief or stress, I will bear it with you. Please, tell me more.” Instead, I encountered harsh objections to my requests for shared language/understanding, shattering any hope for healing or a path forward. Curiosity—rooted in courage, humility, and vulnerability—allows us to engage respectfully with perspectives that differ from our own. Curiosity is a choice to explore the unknown. We cannot be both right and curious at the same time. It is painful that so many prioritize appearing (feeling) infallible and in charge at all costs. A shame that this can be mistaken for strength. A need to appear strong feels symptomatic of fragility. The strength which impresses me is rooted in humility, curiosity, courage.

I’m not angry. I’m overwhelmed.

It’s painful to recall being scolded in shaming ways during overwhelming moments: “Why are you so angry? Why are you so defensive? Why are you yelling?” I percieved but could not name the dissonance, the lack of understanding and interest in what I was going through and how I was reacting. Being diminished instead of receiving support, made me feel threatened/ angry and led to anxiety about my discomfort and the consequences. My inability to alter my instinctive reactions intensified my sense of hopelessness. The persistent dread of not being able to hide my sensitivity only added pressure to the demand to “lighten up” and “calm down”, as everyone insisted I should. My consistent experience within my family and marriage would unfold in this way: Feel overstimulated, be judged and shunned, become fearful, distressed, then angry(and ultimately be crucified for large reactions to unmanageable stress) My unique wiring (hypersensitivity/hyperarousal) and past trauma leave me vulnerable and fragile in ways that others may not grasp. I often experience shame and anxiety over my unremitting discomfort- or as it was frequently referenced “my thin skin”, which is not an inaccurate descriptor, but also was not said with love. The stress of otherwise uneventful happenings can overpower my nervous system- like things which others don’t notice, can be crippling to me. Having come from a family whom regularly minimized and belittled me, feeling disregarded, violated, and on edge—became my default state. As a now sensory smart and trauma informed adult, I do not expect others to accommodate my heightened sensitivity- my best option has been to isolate myself – to shield my nervous system from the stressors of life on earth (with others). Below are examples of how I am easily toppled by technically un-threatening sensory stimuli, which go un-noticed by most(or can be ignored): The sound of my dog licking, a light on in the hall which shines into my room, a repetitive sound, a wrinkle in my (made) bed that I can see from my desk when I am working. A tag in my shirt. A strong smell. Feeling too warm. A piece of food caught between my teeth. Each of these can send me immediately into dysregulation—fight or flight energy. My nervous system demands that I do anything to make it stop- to end the sensation. None of these stimuli are harmful; they overtake me rather than harm or even annoy me. Sensory overload, paired with emotionally charged interactions, crushes me and calls for days of self-care, in solitude, to process, release the energy, and regain basic functionality. I am now learning to manage in a world which is simply too much for me. Always has been. I am discovering ways to nurture, soothe, and safeguard myself. Some may find this enlightening, even interesting: Sensory defensiveness is a condition where someone has an extreme reaction to certain sensations, such as touch, sound, smell, or taste. People with sensory defensiveness may avoid or minimize exposure to these sensations, and may experience anxiety, behavioral changes, or emotional distress. Having to rely on or keep close proximity to those who will judge and punish has proven damaging 100% of the time.

Undeserving

What an interesting concept. “DESERVE”. I cannot help but cringe each time I hear this word thrown about. Maybe as a person who grew up feeling confused about being both entitled and unworthy, I remain disturbed by this language. Now, after nearly a decade of spiritual recovery and soul work–this is what I think I know: All people deserve kindness, love, truth, connection. Today’s sermon focused on grace, gratitude, and service. I noticed myself physically reacting each time I heard the word “deserve”. It has been my consistent experience that those who believe in their own deserving also believe similarly in their right to punish and judge. This way of believing removes all possibility of Grace. Reflecting on the damage of the hurricane and hardships of people offered pointed reminders that good fortune no more is a symptom of personal goodness than misfortune is badness. I descend from long lines of people who are unapologetically vocal with their beliefs of what they and others do and do not deserve. To me, this thinking seems void of God and Higher Power, very selfY. It feels scary. As I acknowledge the undeniable love of my friends, children, and Sweet Greg, I am deeply aware that they do not love me because I have earned or deserved it. They love me because loving is what they do. I feel the love of them wanting what is good and best for me, celebrating my triumphs and mourning my losses with me. Believing in why and how they love me, frees me from the myth that I(or others) earn abuse, betrayal, cruelty, or lies. People do what they do, say what they say, are how and who they are, independently of me. The teachings of discipleship are something we will learn in church. An opportunity to be re-parented with opportunities to practice serving God and others– because. Just because, this is the life we are meant for. We are graced by this place, of like hearted people who choose to live and practice love in this way. Discipleship. Deeply entrenched in our unchurchedness, we may never fully internalize certain parts of the “Stories” of Christianity… we can still learn from the life of Jesus and witness in awe, the badassery of his fierce dedication to loving, loving the marginalized, outcast and needy, full of courage and grace, and an example worth following, better than any human ever could be. This song is part of the weekly service and it literally grips my heart and I can barely breathe as I listen and read the words. All I ever wanted from my mother and family, and so completely the opposite of my teachings and beliefs about my place on this earth and within my family. This is truth and love. I believe. I am loved. I belong. Big space to anyone suggesting otherwise. I continue practicing forgiving, from over here. I deserve the peace that comes with letting go and forgiving and keeping myself safe from unwholesome and unkind words and deeds. I lack the resilience required to let those things roll from my back and pretend as if they are not real or hurtful. Plus, I deserve better. 100%.

Supporting Gay Tweens- Even when they are not “yours”

Last week my older son was initiated by a new neighbor boy, whom we do not know—even a little. This neighbor decided to “come out” via text message, to my son, who is age 11. When my son was kind and texted “Ok, but be careful who you tell because people might be mean to you or beat you up for that. I understand people are born this way and it is ok”, the neighbor, whom I will call Frederick, took that as a green light to pursue my son. He continued texting him–but only about “gayness”. Laser focused on this singular topic. When my son did not tell him to bug off or keep it to himself, he took it a step further and began detailing his crush on a boy in their science class and then proceeded to ask my son “Are you gay? Do you like me? You have to be honest and tell me” . Now, my son and this child have never spent time together aside from one week of waiting at the bus stop, never discussed any common interests or normal getting to know you convos. And yet, Frederick prefaced his sharing with, “I want to tell you something because we are good enough friends and I need you to promise not to tell anyone.” I count my lucky stars that my sweet son came to me directly and promptly. I explained that telling me was the right thing to do but telling anyone else would be harmful. We do not keep secrets in this family– but we can be trusted with things shared in confidence. My son is mature enough to grasp and value this. He expressed that “this” made him feel icky and anguished. Boy, am I blessed to have recovery to help me support his walk through this– without encouraging retaliating or retreating…because WE(my lil family) have learned a third way. The spiritual way. We can express and hold healthy boundaries. He asked (via text) Frederick to not bring up gayness anymore then decided to take it a step further and said “Please do not talk to me anymore”. My son is concerned that IT will persist and he has also expressed confusion about the fact that he feels fearful/ kind of obsessed. I was able to share with him that it felt bad and heavy because he was violated. His gut is informing him: danger danger beware. And the gut message is one to be listened to. Frederick is not dangerous for his gayness, but for his lack of knowing how to navigate safely and with respect for others. That is not his fault, but it is still unsafe for another child whom also does not know and is not ready. If my son and Frederick had an existing friendship and Frederick shared that he was gay, that would be different. If they were 16 and Frederick shared or initiated, that would be different. Their age and their affiliation is not appropriate for this interaction—and now there is no current possibility for friendship, because Frederick, young, desperate, not knowing, took it too far. I have advised my son to be polite only. Say good morning at the bust stop and then get into a book or his phone…There is a way to be not friends and also non-enemies. My family did not get or teach me this. My ex husband’s family also does not see life this way. Zero-sum all the way. But WE, we get this and Frederick is one lucky soul that he pulled this with my son who will do no harm and cast no shame or shadow on him. That a person like me, with a family like my own, can guide my son this way is nothing short of a miracle. I hope Frederick finds the support he needs as much as I hope he leaves my son alone. I am so grateful my son trusted and shared with me completely– and that we were able to do this together. Rather than trying to remind him constantly to trust himself and do right, I will use the message board to say what I think needs to be said and remembered. I do not care if my son is gay or not but I do care that he discuss these things with only trusted others, when it feels right and safe for him. And even if he is or might be–Being gay is not reason enough to be friends. I was also able to remind him that he does not ever need to feel as if he must disclose to anyone what or whom he likes. I am certain I have not done this perfectly. and I am also certain that for now I have done right by my son and this child, in spite of having lived life that would have directed me otherwise. Comments and advice are welcome—Just click the picture to my IG page and get in touch there.

It is Not that I Don’t Care..

People have expressed to me, their sense, that I do not care what others think. This is UNtrue. I make no efforts to control what others think or how they feel about me. That is not my job. If a person does not care for me, that is not a problem (until they decide to punish me), it just means we are not for each other. I would surely prefer if everyone applauded my decisions and methods, but that is unrealistic and counter to my striving to live authentically, with honest and transparent boundaries(for myself)– which support self care, personal growth and my own well-being. This truth and freedom are offered to me by my program of recovery. Many people do not yet understand that recovery is not only for those with obvious and overt addictions to substances, sex, shopping, gambling, food…. Mine, is a program of recovery, for those struggling to recover from abusive relationships, typically with the mentally unwell or addicted person. For the sake of my blog and journey, abuse is: behavior of others which harms, betrays, diminishes, or disrespects another. Sustained entanglement in an abusive dynamic can result in trauma and depression(mental unwellness, sometimes temporarily relieved by addictive behaviors)- which require recovery OR denial (offloading or numbing pain instead of healing it). I choose recovery. For people who choose power, rightness, and denial, I am definitely not their cup of tea and they are not mine. It is not a war, just a fact…until attacks begin- typically underhanded–the silent kill shots are the worst, the highly visible ones, to which nobody objects, are equally deadly.

For the Love

As the beginning of another school year– at new schools, rapidly approaches, I imagine and worry dream for my sons– the possibilities that lay ahead. Of course, I want them to thrive academically and even socially, but more than this, I want them to feel deeply connected to something bigger than themselves, their peers, and especially even their parents(and families of origin). My hope is that they are more spiritually striving than socially. (It will offer a more honest and comforting existence. Oh please.) We (parents and blood relations) are small and broken examples of how to be in the world, in ways that are too often, far from wholesome and nurturing. How I wished we had church in our lives. As I read the wisdom and hopes of Jen Hatmaker, Bob Goff, Glennon Doyle, Brene Brown, I am taking copious notes-no guarantee that they will manifest into immediate and sustainable action. But still. Notes for myself and my children: Hurt kids make easy targets. And cowards, both bully and look the other way. Please let us stand between the abusers and the abused. Let us refuse to silently watch one person break another down. Say “no”. Say “leave them alone”. Do not look away. The tiniest scrap of hope is enough to save a hurt and lonely person from drowning. Let us be safe and kind and gentle to all others–to be tender and empathetic. I pray for your kindness more than your success. How we love all people is the highest measure of our character. Well behaved and kind are not the same. And often bravery and kindness do not take the form of well behaved. Be brave. Above all else be kind and loving—unconditionally. Let’s do this! Develop eyes for pain. See hurt people. Offer them kindness with your eyes, words, or actions. Please, let’s learn and commit to this as a way of being. Kindness is the height of bravery. It is difficult and awkward and feels risky–asking someone struggling, and on the outside, “What’s up” or if they want to sit with you or what book they are reading. We can do this. We can do hard things. I love you so much, but not always so well. I am learning too!

The intention for Wholesome Badass is to share my journey, my UN-learnings- openly, inviting community with Trusted Others who also are intensely feeling beings.

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Words to LIVE By

Who you spend your time with will have a great impact on what kind of life you live. Spend time with the right people.
— Joel Osteen (@JoelOsteen) November 19, 2016

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About Wholesome Badass

The intention for Wholesome Badass is to share my journey, my UN-learnings- openly, inviting community with Trusted Others who also are intensely feeling beings. For too long, I felt I was terminally unique(flawed) in this way. This is not true. Feeling deeply, willingness to share, and healing are hard work–Wholesome and 100% Badass. This is the record of my work, my journey.

I laugh as deeply as I cry. I love hard and without apology for my intensity. It is who I am, not my favorite trait or biggest asset, but a part worthy of love, just the same. I am learning to choose only those who choose me. This is my journey into self-love, learning to be ok when others disapprove or respond with righteous unkindness.