On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 2:36 PM, <c(my sister cc’d my mother)> wrote:


C Catherine G Whitney Charlotte NC

On Thu, Dec 15, 2016 at 12:59 PM, <m> wrote: 

Dear M,

I don’t know how many times we can tell you directly and indirectly, that the only problem is you. You have always been the impossible.   When people behave badly to you it is because you need to change….not because they have work to do on themselves. It is not that they are incapable of being loving. It is your unworthiness. Clearly. None the less, we would allow you to join US for dinner.

Meeting R. and collaborating with someone who knows you to be as difficult as we do has been like a breath of fresh air. Totally affirming. As soon as you do as we like- transform yourself into someone who does not cause others to be abusive, and withholding, we will be ready to consider this healthy connection you claim to want. Until then, there is really nothing we can or are willing to do.

It is not that we are unloving— so much as that you are and always have been unlovable. As soon as you acknowledge this and get to work on it, we will be ready for something better. If you have discomfort around us, that is your problem. why must you try to make us concern ourselves. Don’t you get it, you are responsible for your own bad feelings as well as for ours. you have no power to change or discuss, only option is to pretend. Just do it!

That you worked through a litigious divorce after a loveless marriage to move here in partnership with your ex is miraculous. To have forfeited that just by being you and all that you may have said or done in the previous 4 decades is unfortunate. We claim to not be angry but seize every opportunity to discuss with others your sins…that we are not mad about.

In spite of being the mean spirited bully you always have been, we would allow you to sit at our table. You don’t even have to thank us. The truth is we want access to your boys and will do anything to have it— but work though OUR mess. Having R. has been a nice way to circumvent this. He is so willing and accommodating. Even he might forgive you if you would just do as you are told. The boys are old enough to handle the added stress of this.

Please stop asking to heal the damage. The divisive email was necessary and we choose to be in charge of the division and expect you to just accept your lot and come when called.

Just take your well-earned licks and chalk it up to sucking and saying unfortunate things over the course of your life. You owe us.   We will never directly acknowledge or apologize for any word or action of our own.

While we have compromised the quality of our relationships with your boys, we are confident that over time we can win them with cool gifts and parties and compliments.. Rest assured this email will go unanswered as do most or we will respond affirming our rightness and your unworthiness as F. did 20 years ago and again from C. each time you refused an uncomfortable gathering over the last 10 years. We hate the way you handle your pain AND are unwilling to acknowledge that we have anything to do with the strain you feel in our company.

We like to tell others how you flipped out at our therapy session and had to leave the room. We don’t tell them why or that you were pregnant and had an eleven month old– and miscarried on that day…just that you are a disaster. Again, we would let you come back despite the fact we have insured you can never truly be comfortable with those included in the family email your sister graciously composed in order to save the family.   She would do anything for our family, including let you come back to it.



The Collective

I received  an Evite reminder for my sister’s family dinner to which I have not RSVPd.  Feeling mis-understood and undervalued I sent the above email of what it is like for me, now living in the same town as my MCRs.  I honestly thought I might get an “Oh Dear, is that how you feel?”  or  “What can we do to make things be different?  That sounds painful.”  Historical evidence offers no reason to hope for any such response.  My mother assures me my sister wants closeness…. but I have experienced her in very non-close and safe way. Believing she had demonstrated her truth by her overt expression of her position in her initial email attack.  Her Amen is a gift.  I am be free from the lie that she is kind and wants a family relationship that is wholesome and good, free to defy the demand that I get over it and come when called.  Not gonna happen.

My sister’s email response here has cleared it up any remaining confusion(for me and those who love me).  She qualified her response in a second email by saying, “Oh, I thought mom wrote it.”  Oh, ok then, well count me in for YOUR family dinner.  Thank you for clarifying.

I am beeeeeyond grateful for the restraint to have said  nothing to her for the past months other than “please stop”.  In my program, we are reminded  “More will be revealed”.  True.  I don’t have to illuminate the truth for my mother or show her what is behind the curtains of my sister.  I don’t need to apologize for wanting to avoid righteous and angry initiatives directed at me and then denied.  Happy Holidays, yo!  A-fucken-Men—for sure!  Acknowledging the darkness is Wholesome and essential. Moving away from darkness is for BadAsses. Technically, It would be easier to deny it.  But spiritual death is not something I will model for my boys.

Much Love,
Magda Gee

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