Heartfelt Apologies- A Beginning, Not an End to a Conversation
I have observed with my sister, my ex, my mother copious apologizing for circumstances, like a messy home, burnt meat, running late due to traffic, or forgetting to close the door, but NOT for unfair behavior or poor judgment or a plain old error-perhaps innocent, but still damaging. With them, the most acknowledgment I dare hope for is by solicitation and typically an “OK, I am sorry, move on, already.” Oh-OK, since that feels all safe and loving. NOT.
Over the weekend, a woman whom I do not know well asked if I would watch her son from 11:30 to 3:30 on Sunday. I was happy to help another single mom. At 12:00 when there was no sign or word from them she texted to notify me of her plan change 12:30-4:00. I said nothing but felt the icky/rapey feeling of someone showing disregard for my time and for me.
Instead of focusing on the most recent rejection by my mother, I will take one small action to creatively claim my living space. This image appeared in a facebook feed for laceandwhishkey. If you click the image, it will take you there. Right now, our home feels to me, a place where we sleep and keep our stuff. I hope to get busy decorating in a way expressive of who I am; what I find attractive, appealing, and comforting. I am only now discovering those parts of myself as I climb out of feeling emotionally/creatively stifled to the point of paralysis.