vulnerability

Most Wonderful Time of the Yeeeeear

screen-shot-2016-12-20-at-11-12-55-amIt’s not the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. For those of who’ve lost family members to death or estrangement, the holidays are difficult.  To cope, some drop from bridges into oncoming traffic while others soldier through with as many drinks or slices of pie as it takes, any number of ways to numb, more socially acceptable than honestly addressing the feelings and behaviors which would be a step toward healing and lasting connection.  I stand in solidarity with all who feel weepy, anxious, maybe even ashamed at this time of year.   Disconnection, on days in which the calendar and social media are intended as proof of connection, is difficult.  I ♥Brene Brown’s live-changing TED Talk on Vulnerability.  I am not yet healed, but now on the path to healing. (more…)

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Love is kind-right?

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Not until my older son was diagnosed at 18 months with sensory integration disorder(SPD), did I learn why I had been uncomfortable, tense, overly-stressed my entire life, particularly for family occasions where food smells and volume alone, felt cruel.  The word overwhelming does not begin to describe those experiences.  I came to believe I was the “pain in the ass” I was reported to be, unworthy of comfort and connection.  I learned to hate who I was-at a cellular level, my existence was all wrong.  I was angry and as my family likes to remind me, very difficult.  Who wouldn’t have been difficult in the circumstances?  Totally owning that!!!

Not knowing how to seek shelter from sensory stimulus had a devastating impact;  In my family, those  unwilling unable to mask signs of stress and discomfort are not be tolerated or indulged.  I believe much of the wreckage of my life has its origins here, leading my fruitless pursuit for connection with emotionally remote others. (more…)

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Finding My Voice-and my lil pink axe


While striving to honor the authentic voice of who I am,  I have realized a profound  lack of vision for my life…no goals, other than to just hurt less…to feel and cause less pain.  In my family of origin and marriage, my pain was categorized for me in one of three ways:

  • pain I caused
  • pain I deserved
  • pain I imagined

For each of which, comfort was unavailable. (more…)

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